Why WWE Isn't Going Anywhere

Checked out www.ewrestlingnews.com because apparently some of my fellow die-hards are heralding the demise of the WWE again!

Friends, let me break this down for you and, I would say "Put this to rest once and for all" but I know that's not realistic but since I've already said it, let's just leave it in.

World Wrestling Entertainment is not going anywhere anytime soon. So please, STOP with the prophecies of doom and gloom, hellfire and brimstone, Kane and Mankind, The Undertaker and Sable, DDP and Mae Young (I don't know what any of that means but I got on a roll and I couldn't help myself).

Just stop it, already. Click the above link and read the article for yourself. There are still over FOUR MILLION PEOPLE watching Monday Night Raw! That's not bad business.

How about this little statistic? For the first quater of 2012, World Wrestling Entertainment cleared over FIFTEEN MILLION DOLLARS net profit. That's just in the first quater! There's still THREE MORE TO GO! Their live events accounted for 61% of that income, or $75.7 million dollars in revenue. (Source: WWE's Coroporate website)

The numbers may not be what they once were. The enthusiasm may not be what it once was. But still, check out the crowd shots during any recent episode of Raw. They're still a sea of signs and people decked out in WWE apparel.

My point is, when people want wrestling, they still go to World Wrestling Entertainment FIRST. Why? Because of what Vincent Kennedy McMahon himself said:

"If you provide THE HIGHEST PRODUCTION LEVEL, the fans will find you AS LONG AS YOU ARE DISTRIBUTED WELL." (emphasis mine)

So there you have it. The reason WWE isn't going away is because of that right there. Pretty simple. The reason WCW was competition was ALSO because of that right there. It wasn't the product. It was the fact the product was:

A) On NATIONAL TELEVISION and,
B) It LOOKED GOOD.

Of course it didn't hurt that a bunch of old names were featured prominently. It gave fans who grew up on Hulk Hogan, Randy Savage, and Roddy Piper, something familiar to latch on to. But make no mistake about it, if ECW had done the New World Order, it would not, WOULD NOT, have gotten over like it did in WCW; even with Hall, Nash AND Hogan.

Why? Because Extreme Championship Wrestling did not offer THE HIGHEST PRODUCTION VALUE and IT WAS NOT DISTRIBUTED WELL. And yes, I'm going to keep repeating that so hopefully, the point gets driven home once and for fucking all.

Think about it. If ECW had done the New World Order storyline, it probably would have led to more people watching, which would have led to more money coming in, which would have led to higher production quality, which would have led to greater distribution, which would have led to ECW becoming a legitimate competitor to the WWE. But if you think you can put the cart before the horse and a killer angle is going to make some glorified indy fed a competitor overnight, you are dead fucking wrong!

I'm a die-hard. I'm going to LOOK for good wrestling. But not everyone is like me. Some people love WWE for what it is. WWE is NOT wrestling. I'll be the first to admit that. It's all about "the show." But when has that ever not been the case?

Fans like myself who remember how great the glory days of Hulkamania were and loathe the current dynasty of John Cena need to go back and watch some of those matches again. How many good matches did Hogan really have? Was his character really that much cooler than Cena's? Go back and read articles from the people who reported on wrestling during that time. They all despised Hogan. They all called Vince McMahon's WWF a "circus" meanwhile singing the praises of REAL wrestling promotions like the AWA, NWA, and World Class.

Are things really any different now? Nothing's changed. We all know when it comes to finding a great in-ring product, most of the time we need to look elsewhere other than under WWE's bright lights. Two guys may put on the occasional good match once in a while but it's a rarity.

Was it really any different when we were growing up? Granted, the talent pool was deeper and more workers in the midcard had road experience that made them better performers when they actually got TV time and there was usually more time devoted to the in-ring product BUT can we honestly say that the "good old days" (whatever that translates to for you) were really full of great wrestling in the "E"(or maybe in your case, the "F")?

So why the fuck did we watch it? We watched it for the same reason we watched WCW. Because it was easy to find and it looked good. You're either fucking fooling yourself or completely full of shit if you try to say you watched either because the product was just that good because I was there. I saw plenty of episodes of Prime Time Wrestling, or Saturday Night's Main Event, or Raw Is War, or Monday Nitro to be able to emphatically testify that there was SHIT APLENTY on those shows.

But I was a kid living in the Desert Southwest. ECW didn't reach me so I could give a fuck about them. I had nothing else but I didn't care. To me, WWF, then WCW, WAS wrestling. I knew there were other things out there and would have watched them but since it was too much trouble, I watched what I had and made the best of it.

Along the way, there was plenty of shit to complain about, but there was some good stuff too. It came in peaks and valleys. As a youngster, I loved anything WWF did during the mid to late 80s. But as a teenager, I thought it turned into shit. I couldn't stand the goofy stuff they did with the Ultimate Warrior, Undertaker, the Bushwackers, etc. so I just quit watching. During the Monday Night Wars it became cool again but then WWF amped up the raunchiness factor and that turned me off so I quit watching again.

But my tastes changed. Today I think I would enjoy the Attitude Era WWF, but would probably struggle to get into the 80's stuff I loved as a kid just like I struggle to get into what WWE is doing now. I look back on it fondly now but that's more due to nostalgia than the actual quality of the content.

My point is, WWF during that time wasn't hurting for viewers and it's not hurting now. Back then I would've been one of those kids in the crowd with posters or decked out in Bret Hart sunglasses or waving a yellow and red Hulkamania foam finger the same way kids today put on every color in the rainbow to celebrate John Cena or wave glowsticks to honor DX.

I didn't have what you'd call an "involved" father but I like to think that I am one and if my son were to fall in love with wrestling the way I did, that I'd take him to as many live events as I could and be right there alongside him cheering or booing and watching the shows despite how terrible I might think the skits or matches are or how nonsensical I find the booking.

Why? Because I'm a bad father doing his son a disservice by not exposing him to "REAL" wrestling? No, because I'm a good father who enjoys spending time with his son doing something with him that HE enjoys.

It's not my kid's fault that the WWE is so easy to find and looks so good. What kid wouldn't gravitate to that? And it's because of that, World Wrestling Entertainment is still going strong and will continue to do so. Because there's always going to be kids. And they're always going to love wrestling.

Yes, I'd love it if WWE would cater only to me and what I consider to be good. But they're not. Is that smart on their part? Probably. I think time has proven that kids are lot easier to entertain than adults. Kids present a lot more merchandising opportunities than adults. It appears to be the safer bet anyway. Perhaps they're missing out on greater money that could be made but what if they try to target a more mature fan base and the product just doesn't catch on? Seems to me if you're running a million-dollar company you're better of going where the sure money is more likely to be.

As a way of wrapping this up, I wanted to include a video of Jake "The Snake" Roberts discussing a program he was supposed to work with Hulk Hogan during the heyday of Hullkamania and why it didn't happen. Unfortunately, every version of it has been pulled by WWE. The gist is though that on an episode of The Snake Pit, Jake DDT'd Hogan to kick off their feud but instead of being booed by the crowd, many of the fans cheered Roberts and started chanting "D-D-T! D-D-T!" As a kid in the pre-internet age, I didn't know anything about this. But if this were to happen today, there'd be no way to hide it and all of us internet marks would be clamoring for a Jake Roberts babyface turn and the end of Hulkamania.

As cool as that sounds, it would have been financial suicide for the WWF at the time because as over as Jake was, his character just wasn't as marketable as Hogan's. So for all of us who today complain about John Cena and wish he would just retire, or even die in the case of more extreme fans, no one is going to replace him as the company's "Golden Goose" until someone comes along who is more marketable to their core audience than he is. And that's not a slap in the face to wrestling purists, that's just smart business.

Jake Roberts understood what it meant when the crowd cheered him and he wasn't happy. He didn't fill his head with grandiose ideas about becoming the "face of the company." In the video Jake himself called it "the wrong reaction" because he understands the business. The goal isn't to write a great story. It's to MAKE FUCKING MONEY.

The sooner we marks can get that through our heads, the fewer ulcers we'll have and blood pressure meds we'll have to take.

That's what you call "the defnitive work on the subject" my friends. And that's what I call the last word. Until next time.........discuss.



[Find more of your beloved author on SPINEBUSTER.com and on his favorite wrestling show, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. Follow him on Twitter, @DAntonioLopez.]

Raw is....AJ?

There's been a lot of buzz in the Internet Wrestling Community (a designation that is about as annoying as "WWE Universe") about Impact Wrestling, TNA, SNM, STD, whatever. A lot of people making a case for why it's the best weekly wrestling show right now and that's fine.

But it got me thinking, "Is Raw really a good wrestling show?"

I don't know how regularly you watch it or why but I watch Raw every single week. Unfortunately I work nights so I can't watch it live but I would if I could. Instead I DVR it and watch it as soon as I can. Sometimes I don't get to it until Thursday but I don't go a week without watching.

Why? Because it's WWE. It's what I was raised on. It's what made me fall in love with wrestling in the first place. You don't just abandon something that you have that kind of history with.

Plus, WWE is still the "major leagues" of professional wrestling. If something really big is going to happen it's going to happen in WWE. The Rock and Brock Lesnar weren't going anywhere else and their involvement, regardless of how it played out or how it may play out, was compelling.

But Raw, which hasn't been my favorite show for awhile now, always seems to be the "go to" show for people like me. Diehard wrestling fans who were also brought up on WWE/WWF and just assume that nothing important is happening on Smackdown and it's not worth watching. I've actually enjoyed Smackdown a lot more than I have Raw for the past several weeks but that's another topic for another time.

What we're looking at now is the question of whether or not a basic episode of Raw can honestly be called a good wrestling show. So let's dissect yesterday's installment, shall we?

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE REPLAYING WHAT BIG SHOW DID TO CENA LAST WEEK
- I like the way they've built Big Show up to this point. It's similar to how they put Mark Henry over strong and that was very compelling.
Last Word: PLUS

JOHN CENA, DANIEL BRYAN, CM PUNK, CHRIS JERICHO, KANE, BIG SHOW IN RING SEGMENT TO PROMOTE MONEY IN THE BANK.
-I actually like John Cena's invovlement in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. That concept got really boring and this was one of the few things that hadn't been done yet and at least for me, has breathed new life into the concept.
-Daniel Bryan, again, owned everyone else on the mic. He's a genuine old-school heel who is actually cutting wrestling promos as opposed to Cena and Punk who go out and just talk. There's a difference.
Last Word: I give this segment a PLUS. Daniel Bryan did a good job furthering his character and Big Show ended up looking strong. And CM Punk finally spoke up for himself as WWE Champion. Everybody's been laying claim to his title and he's said nothing. It was nice to see him finally put his foot down, even confronting the Almighty Cena.

PRIME TIME PLAYERS, DAVID OTUNGA & CODY RHODES vs. KOFI KINGSTON, R-TRUTH, CHRISTIAN & SANTINO
-First of all, who gives a fuck about any of these people? And it's always the same ones matched up all the time.
-The Prime Time Players are still realatively new and fresh but they showed how green they were in this terrible match.
-How many times is David Otunga going to job to the Cobra?
-I'm glad that there was some continuity with Brodus Clay and Otunga feuding but those matches are going to be awful anyway so unfortunately, there's no real payoff.
Last Word: MINUS

TEDDY LONG BACKSTAGE WITH ALBERTO DEL RIO
-I actually thought Teddy did a great job during his angle with John Laurenitis. Unfortuantely, that angle is over and he's gone back to the boring, outdated wanna-be pimp GM.
-Teddy thinking that Del Rio doesn't deserve a title shot after he beat the U.S. Champion and the Intercontinental Champion cleanly in the same week means he either doesn't watch the shows or he's an idiot. Saying it pops the "Universe" though because Del Rio's a "bad guy" so whatever.
Last Word: MINUS

ALBERTO DEL RIO NON-MATCH WITH SIN CARA
-I LOVE area-specific match-ups like this. Unfortunately, they didn't let them actually wrestle.
-Del Rio actually beating Sin Cara in a match would've been a better build for him.
Last Word: MINUS

AJ EATS FLOWERS
-The first appearance of AJ. It was in the perfect spot. She didn't open the show. She had more interaction with Daniel Bryan which is good for him. She kept up the crazy girl gimmick. Fine.
Last Word: PLUS

PAUL HEYMAN LOOKS LIKE SHIT VIA SATELLITE TOO
-How funny was his face when that asshole started messing with his tie??
-I love Paul Heyman but I'm starting to hate this angle because it appears to be building towards a HHH win at SummerSlam. I could be wrong and I hope I am. After all, I think nearly everyone expected John Cena to win at Mania so I could still end up being surprised.
-It would be great if this angle was allowed to play out and Heyman won his "lawsuit" against the WWE and became the "owner" and actually "ran" WWE for a little while.
Last Word: Although I've been enjoying the angle and Heyman's performances, I'm giving this segment a MINUS because they teased an answer all week and Heyman basically didn't say anything new.

DOLPH IS TO THE BROGUE KICK WHAT OTUNGA IS TO THE COBRA
-What the fuck does Dolph Ziggler have to be so confident about? How many times can you get beat and still come out yelling, "This is MY time!"
-That old Braveheart Sheamus once again kicks his much smaller opponent when he's not looking. What a champion we can all be proud of!
-Speaking of which, the World Heavyweight Championship belt is really starting to look a lot more prestigious than the WWE Championship belt. The "big gold" had been around so long and the way it had been booked it became sort of an afterthought but now with ADR and Ziggler chasing it and Sheamus being booked to look so strong that's flipped. Punk and his title have become secondary to the whole "crazy chick" angle and it's now HIS belt that's become an afterthought.
Last Word: MINUS

HEY PUNK, "WOT HOPPENED?"
-We get our third installment of AJ, this time backstage with the champ who is quickly becoming the Ricky Ricardo of Raw and AJ is Lucy, stealing every segment their in together and completely pushing him into the background.
Last Word: MINUS

DOINK GOES "DOINK" AND DDP KILLS ANDY GRIFFITH
-I honestly don't think anyone in that crowd knew who the clown was. For that matter, I don't know who the clown was! It could've been ANYBODY! He didn't do anything that was particular to the Doink character other than being dressed like him. I'd much rather preferred to see DDP wrestle.
-Speaking of the real "People's Champ" (sorry Rock, but until YOU leave through the crowd, DDP is ALWAYS going to hold that title in MY book!), I'd much rather have preferred had he come out to the "Self Hi-Five" Nirvana rip-off he used in WCW. It would've been better for Andy Griffith that's for sure. I had no idea the former Sheriff of Mayberry was a wrestling fan but hearing DDP rip off Earest T. Bass in his entrance theme was apparently too much for the eighty-six year-old Matlock to take.
Last Word: MINUS

KANE SAYS OTHERWISE, THEN GOES OUT AND DOES IT
-Wrestling Booking Rule #89: Jobbing out a credible opponent in five minutes doesn't make the winner of the match who you are trying to build look strong. It makes the loser of the match look weak. In other words, Kane vs Big Show equals EPIC FAIL.
Last Word: MINUS

AJ TAKES A NAP ON EVE'S BREAST
-This is where we cross the line into "AJ Overload" territory. Her segment with Bryan, her match, and her segment with Punk did enough to advance the character for one show. I get it. She's unstable. How about make the Kane-Big Show match a little longer instead?
-Also, she was practically eating Eve's boob! Not that there's anyting wrong with that, but if you're trying to get AJ over as the company's top hottie, putting her next to Eve is like putting your sister's cute friend next to the smoking hot teacher and telling you to pick one. It's really no contest.
Last Word: MINUS

YOSHI TATSU: "A SCHOOLBOY! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!"
-Yeah, apparently that's Tensai's weakness. Of course it would take bland-as-balls Tyson Kidd to discover this. Of all the young talent that could be getting pushed! The fans clearly did not care either, despite his best efforts to get them to grope him by standing on the ring barrier. He doesn't even have the cool haircut going for him anymore.
Last Word: MINUS

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE CHANTS! WHAT? OH, BROTHER!
-Punk telling Cena to follow his lead was cool but that didn't really play out in the match. I rip on Ring of Honor for lacking psychology in their matches but the truth is, most WWE matches are devoid of it as well. This match could've really done a lot to build toward the pay-per-veiw and a probable confrontation between Cena and Punk but instead, we get Cena going all Ultimate Warrior circa SummerSlam '91, and chasing the evil Chris Jericho all the way back to the dressing room.
-And just when you thought you might make it to the end of the show without her, here comes............AJ! And once again, she completely overshadows the men.
-Just as an aside, why the fuck does SHE get to revive the "Yes!" chant? Vince shits on Bryan for not having the "look" of a WWE Superstar but he's shit on the divas for years! And yet this girl gets five segments...FIVE SEGMENTS?! Trust me, I'm all about AJ. I think she's adorable and her character's great but...five segments??
Last Word: MINUS

So if you've already lost track (I know I have) here's the final score:
PLUSES: 3, MINUSES: 11

So is Raw a GOOD wrestling show? In a word, No, it's not.

Why do I waste time watching it? Honestly? I don't know. I like knowing what's going on first-hand, as oppposed to just reading spoilers and listening to what everyone else is saying, I guess. I still watch the Chargers play football and the Suns play basketball even though they disappoint me regularly.

Don't worry, this blog is not going to become some review site because I know there's already an assload of those but I really wanted to break down an episode of Raw just so I can draw a definite conclusion. It's easy to get caught up in the product as a whole and say it's bad without realizing why. So maybe you got a little perspective out of the deal. I know I did and so, I guess it was worth it.

The last word on this subject is, if you find yourself watching Raw and feel the sudden urge to punch your TV, don't be alarmed. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just watching a bad wrestling show.

I'm out peeps! Until next time......discuss!


[Look for our beloved author as a contributor on his favorite wrestling show The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast and on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez]

"U Can't See Me...Or Deez Nuts!"

[Lazy Author's Note: I haven't got the time to investigate these sources so if you're willing to do the legwork and find out that they're shit, I'll give you props. But until then, I'm just going to go with what I have.]

Ratings for Monday Night Raw lately have been in the high 2's and low 3's despite all their hotshot booking efforts of brining in "surprise guests" or "returning stars." I'm not going to get into why that doesn't work right now but suffice to say, a consistently good product is what gets people talking, builds a fan base, and eventually boosts ratings. NOT booking week-to-week hoping the way WWE currently is hoping for an immediate spike.

Check out this website for some perspective, 2XZONE.COM. If you'll notice, even in 1997, when some of the really cool shit with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Bret Hart, and DX was happening, the ratings weren't much better than they are right now.

In other words, it was a slow build. It took consistently entertaining programming to generate the necessary buzz to get people to turn to the WWF product. So a lot of the people that eventually got on board and bumped their numbers into the 4's and 5's a couple of years later, didn't see a lot of the stuff that those of us who were watching at the time remember with great fondness as landmark shit.

We all know the current WWE product needs to change and that one good show, one big name, one big surprise is not going to rescue them from the ratings outhouse. The creative staff has clearly lost touch with what works and that goes for the writers, the bookers, Triple H and Stephanie, all the way up to Vince McMahon. Waiting for them to strike gold and suddenly start booking compelling television is like waiting for Kamala's amputated leg to grow back. It just isn't going to happen.

The good news is, this is nothing new. This already happened once before. It's well-documented that in the mid-90's when WCW was picking up steam and beating the WWF in the ratings and the product was tanking to the same degree it is now, Vince went to his wrestlers and essentially said, "I'm out of ideas."

Whether or not he has admitted that recently I have no idea. However, when he threw up his hands nearly twenty years ago, the talent stepped up and started changing the product on their own. But it wasn't as if it came out of the blue. All throughout the "Disney years" of the early 90's, wrestlers like Kevin Nash (then Diesel), Shawn Michaels, Vader, Psycho Sid, Goldust, Steve Austin, and Brian Pillman were crossing the line and pushing the envelope long before that became the mantra at Titan Tower.

For most of these men, there was no gurantee that they couldn't be fired. Brian Pillman, who signed in June of 1996, was the first person to receive a guranteed contract with the WWF. None of these men had been annoninted as "The Man" and given the company's blessing to work at the top of the card to the same degree or for the same length of time that John Cena. Yet they took that chance anyway and the only reason I can think of for why they would do that can be summed up in one word....BALLS!

That's what brings me to John Cena and the title of this post. It's painfully (never has that word been more appropriately used) obvious that he is "The Man" in the WWE. He won his first WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21, SEVEN YEARS AGO , and has been at the top of the card ever since despite the boos, despite the hatred, despite the low ratings.

If I'm John Cena, job security is not keeping me up at night. If I'm John Cena, I'm pretty confident that when I lie down at night next to Eve Torres or Stephanie McMahon (or both), I'm going to wake up with a) their mouths on my cock, and b) a job at the top of the card with World Wrestling Entertainment.

The men who revolutionized the business in the 90's, men like Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, Vader, Steve Austin, Goldust, Brian Pillman, etc.), had no such peace of mind. Granted, there were other places one could go back then and apply their trade. However, Impact Wrestling, while incredibly shitty (don't get me started), is pulling ratings nearly equal to Smackdown right now. So for better or worse, they have become a legitimate option for wrestlers today who leave WWE to still maintain national exposure.

But the rest of the roster aside, if ANYONE currently employed by the WWE has the influence and standing within the company to change the direction of the current product, it's John Cena. I don't care if he does it by dropping the PG label once in awhile or by simply abandoning the script and just doing something different that would actually be entertaining, no one is going to fire him. I don't think they would suspend him or even fine him! They are so desperate to keep their current fan base that they can't go one week without panicking when he's not on their show and the ratings are bad.

He's clearly capable of being entertaining. For all the shit he gets about his in-ring ability, he offers more in the ring than Hulk Hogan ever did. And when he's forced to step up his game, like he was recently during his angle with the Rock, he can be compelling.

Remember this guy?



For one night in 2012, he made a comeback.



But when the Rock left, apparently, so did "Doze Nuts."



Only thing I can figure is, he must have been borrowing Dwyane's. Apparently, Rock was telling the truth about Cena and his "lady parts."

The Rock could've come back and fallen in line with the PG program. It's not like he hasn't worked under those kind of restraints before. He was the fucking Tooth Fairy for crying out loud! But he knew that'd fall flatter than tapeworm shit so when he came back he said, "Fuck PG! I have to be THE ROCK!"

Can't Cena tell that what he's doing right now is falling flat? Can he not tell that he's failing miserably at being a professional wrestler? Is he content with the shit that stirring into the big ass bowl of Fruity Pebbles he's serving up every Monday Night? He's boning the boss' daughter (or is it the boss' wife now?) and making a gazillion dollars so he's got a right to be content, I guess. I'd take some real balls to jeopardize all that just for the sake of going down in history with the likes of men like Shawn Micheals and Steve Austin and the others who changed the game.

But I guess it's always taken balls. Guess that's why if things do change, it won't be because of this guy....


Whatever happened to "Deez Nuts?"

That's the last word. Until next time....discuss!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular on the Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. You can also find him on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez ]

If Zombies Really Do Eat Brains...

...then the people in charge of TNA have nothing to fear.

"BRAAAII...Hey, what the fuck?"

It's been a busy week so I've been catching up on this past Thursday's Impact Wrestling a little bit at a time on my DVR and I just got to the halfway point...

I honestly could not believe what I was seeing. This is supposed to be an entertainment show, and yet I'm watching three old, fat guys sitting in a room talking about what they liked and what they didn't like about a certain wrestler?? Are you fucking serious?!

So the brain-trust (and I use that term loosley) at TNA got together and said, "Ok, brothers, this is gonna be our first live show so we gotta make sure we do something big! Something that's really gonna WOW 'em! [thinking].....I know! Let's put Bruce, Tazz, and Al in a room and they can talk about Joey Ryan! It should look like something out of an 8AM business meeting at a used car dealership! I've seen those before and, oh my God, brother, they're a real hoot!"

And everyone nodded in agreement.

At no point did anyone raise their hand and suggest that no one on the planet called Earth could give even half a shit about this?

"We don't care."

So because I'm a die-hard fan I pressed on through it, right? I muscled my way past the gag reflex on behalf of the greater good just so I could bring you a detailed report on the show, right?

Fuck to the No!

I turned that shit off faster than if I had just received a text message alerting me to a booty call!

I may be nothing but a simple wrestling fan, but the zombies will be breaking down MY door before they ever even sniff the air at the fucking Impact Zone because not only are the people running that show completely lacking in grey matter, but the dumbasses in the crowd who are actually excited about it couldn't make a member of the Walking Dead's mouth water if they dunked their head in melted butter and shook it under his nose.

The last word for this post is "Fuck TNA!" Now, discuss!

[Don't forget to check out your beloved author on SPINEBUSTER.com and his favorite show, Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast].

Bye-Bye Brock, Hello Show

PWInsider posted a video of Dana White hinting at a possible Brock Lesnar return to UFC. Shortly after the Extreme Rules pay-per-view ended, PWInsider was reporting that Brock was livid over the fact that John Cena cut a post-match in-ring promo instead of following the original plan, which was to have him carted away from ringside after having been so "brutally mauled" in his match with Brock.

If there is one thing that anyone who's been paying attention at all realizes about Brock Lesnar, it's that he's a proud man. He's been "The Man" everywhere he's gone (except the NFL, sorry Brock). Because of that I can say with 99.9% certainty, that he did not return to the WWE just to be a part of the "John Cena Show." He came back to be a major player and be used in a way that showed respect to all that he's accomplished not only in the world of professional wrestling, but also in the world of legitimate sports. The guy was a collegiate wrestling champion and a champion at the highest level of competition in the world's hottest individual sport.

But he can't beat John Cena. Not only can he not beat John Cena, but after their match, Cena felt well enough to cut a promo thanking Chicago for actually cheering him that night.

Now, if you were Brock Lesnar, and you've been regarded as a legit ass-kicker throughout your career AND had the credentials to back it up, how might YOU feel if were told to not only lose to the "Kool-Aid Man in jorts" (Cena's own words to describe himself), but then for said Kool-Aid Man to brush off the effects of the match like the imaginary dirt on his shoulder?

I imagine that might not sit well with you either.

Now, I'm not privy to any "insider knowledge" nor do I have access to any sources telling me what's going on behind the scenes. But I think even Hellen Keller could tell you what's up with this situation. Let's do a little detective work together, shall we?

- Brock leaves TV on a strong note, crippling the "COO" Triple H and looking a little more like a beast again.

Paul Heyman comes out for two straight weeks as Brock Lesnar's representative and completely owns on the mic. His character is interesting, believable, and he actually started breathing a little new life back into the Lesnar character.

Then this past Monday, no Triple H, no Paul Heyman.

This past Saturday, Brock Lesnar is in the audience at UFC 146 and Dana White is talking like he's pretty much back.

Explanation: Heyman's done. The most we may get by way of an explanation is some contrived news blurb on WWE.com about his "lawsuit" against Triple H.

I think the only reason he was brought in was to appease Brock after Cena shit on their match. Brock probably agreed long enough to do Raw the next day then while he was sitting at home decided, "Ah, fuck this! I'm going back to the UFC."

It's not like the WWE can stop him. He has the money to buy his way out of his contract. He might even have the leverage to get a break on that if he fights it because of the way his character was treated. I wouldn't even be surprised if Dana White wasn't willing to step in to help buy him out!

Watch the video of Dana White speaking about Brock's return and listen to how he completely disses the WWE for being "fake." He's not talking like an uninformed detractor of pro wrestling. He's talking like someone who has lost respect for a company that's tanking and fucked up the chance to make money with a legitimate athlete and pay-per-view draw by disrespecting him.

I could be proven wrong about Triple H and Heyman. They might find some way to tidy up that angle on TV but I don't think I'm wrong about Brock. I'm pretty sure he's done.

- John Cena, while addressing the crowd in Chicago at Extreme Rules, hinted that he would need to take time off after his grueling match with Brock. The following night on Raw he's immediately thrown into an angle with John Laurenitis and the build for the next pay-per-view main event is off and running like a rabbit with a hard-on.

Explanation: After Cena completely shit on him, Brock refused to work with him again. Cena taking time off to recover from his match with Brock now means nothing if he can't come back and have another match with him. Now that Cena's staying, he needs an opponent. The only other heel in the company that had any momentum was Daniel Bryan. His momentum was completely sacrificed for the sake of getting Sheamus over. So that leaves just one other option, John Laurenitis.

- John Laurenitis, while a douchebag, has always tried to play off the illusion that he cares about the fans and the product. His "feuds" with people like CM Punk, Zack Ryder or Santino Marella have been based on the wrestler not showing him the proper respect and/or his own personal feelings that the wrestler he's feuding with being on TV or top is not what the fans want to see or what's best for the company. Not the strongest premise, but there's at least some rationalization there.

Along the way, the ONE Superstar that Laurenitis has NEVER had a problem with has been John Cena. There have even been instances of Johnny speaking favorably of, even fawning over John Cena. This makes perfect sense. Any idiot could see that having Cena on top is good for the company (at least under the present circumstances); he gets the biggest crowd reaction and he moves the most merchandise. It actually adds to the douchebagginess of Laurenitis that, as a heel, he supports the company's biggest babyface as a way of appeasing the corporate scumbags that make up the "board of directors." AND, it adds a little fuel to the fire for those fans that hate John Cena.

This would all be awesome build for either Cena "going rogue" and abandoning all the corporate bullshit and grandstanding and Johnny becoming his "Mr. McMahon," OR Cena turning full-on corporate "Yes" man and aligning himself with Laurenitis. Either way, it would've injected new life into Cena's character.

But instead, Laurenitis turns on the one guy he's always favored after losing the only other meal ticket he had in Lesnar. That doesn't make John Laurenitis dastardly and evil; that makes him stupid.

Now, you could make the argument that Johnny lost his mind after his "grand plan" bringing in Lesnar failed and that might work, it worked for Mr. McMahon, but Johnny doesn't own the company. He can't just do whatever the hell he wants. He's an employee. And the quickest way for an employee to get fired is to go nuts and start physically assaulting other employees.

But because this is pro wrestling, instead he gets to main event a wrestling show and the WWE is going ask its audience to pay to see it.

Imagine if this was how corporate discipline worked on any other job. They call a meeting at Wal-Mart and the manager stands up, "Well, Bob in Lawn & Garden flipped his lid and attacked Steve in Dairy so after we close up they're gonna hash it out in a No-Holds-Barred in the Hardware department. You're all welcome to attend but it's five bucks to get in. Rita in Accounting will be here if anyone wants to place any bets. Other than that, make sure you check with Customer Service for your returns and remember people, whatever the outcome, our doors still open tomorrow morning at 6!"

Laurenitis follows up his attack on Cena with Generic WWE Heel 101 Standard Operating Procedure stuff like firing the cuddly Big Show and calling the fans "losers"(so much for People Power). *Yawn* The big pay off comes in the form of John Laurenitis doing what not even Brock Lesnar could, he beats John Cena thanks to a heel turn by the once-cuddly, now repulsive Big Show which, biggity-bam, leads us all right into our next pay-per-view.

Speaking of Big Show, if it's not a money issue(guess they went to that well so many times they figured nobody would buy it) and the only reason you don't want to get fired is because you love performing...guess what, asshole? There's another wrestling company that's on national TV and getting ratings nearly as good as Smackdown that you can go to if all you want to do is perform! OR, maybe you could go to the "board of directors" and tell them the GM has lost his fucking mind and it trying to fire you just for making fun of his voice. Nah, I'd rather cry on national TV like a giant pussy and hit my knees faster than a prostitute on her period.

Explanation: People still hate John Cena and they knew Laurenitis favored him. There's no way they're going to solve the puzzle of how to get people to love John Cena in three weeks. Hell, they've had six years and they still can't figure it out! So the easier thing to do is make people REALLY hate John Laurenitis.

But up to this point they've been going with the "slow build" method which has really worked. Laurenitis was gaining legit heat as a heel boss because he was being booked smartly. But when plans changed, they had to go with the "two-minute offense" and started having him do more drastic things.

The result is the credibility of what could have been a solid storyline has been completely shattered. But the show must go on, right?

So is the puzzle coming together for you? You know we all shit on Impact Wrestling for how clueless they are and rightfully so. The WWE is at one of its lowest points ever and yet Impact STILL can't overtake them in the ratings. For you to not be able to beat the WWE as bad as it is, then how shitty must you be?

What pisses me off about them and even other indy feds like Ring of Honor, feds that are trying to go mainstream and get noticed. They can do ANYTHING! No fucking storyline is off limits! These aren't publicly-traded companies. They're fucking Mom & Pops that can do whatever the hell they want and they aren't doing DICK!

Fucking roll the dice, take some chances, do something different, ANYTHING! "Naw, we're all about the rasslin' 'round here, pard!" Yeah, and a fly is all about shit but nobody wants to watch that either!

Sorry this is so fucking long (not the first time I've had to use those words, Ho-Ho!) but there really isn't a damn thing I can trim out of here so if you're straining your eyes, tough shit. You've got some perspective now and that's a small price to pay.

I've got a lot more to say but I hate reading long fucking rambles too so I'm going to make this the last word...Vince McMahon is a fighter. He's at his dead-level best when his back is against the wall, he goes all "Hulk Smash"(cheap Avengers mention for relevance), then takes his wang out and pisses on his adversary's fresh corpse. Think about the 80's, he was taking on the territories and made them all members of the "Kiss My Ass" Club. And the product was fucking awesome. Then the 90's hit and he gave us this...

Until Ted Turner came along and challenged him. Then Vince made Ted Tuner take his bra off, admit that his grapefruits were bigger, bought his company and told him "YOU'RE FIRED!!" (or something like that) The product was fucking awesome.

He hasn't had competition since and what do we get? We get this...

Will somebody PLEASE step up and challenge this motherfucker!

That's all I got for now. Until next time, assholes...discuss!

(Shameless Author's Plug: "Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular on the Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast and SPINEBUSTER.com; Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez )

Replayed Raw

[Maddening Author's Note: I wanted this to be my inaugural post for www.SPINEBUSTER.com but I'm having issues with my home internet connection ~ translation: I didn't pay my bill ~ So you're getting this post here instead. But if you would like to see more of me...NO, not naked pictures you freaks! But more of my ramblings and those of other talented people like me, check out www.SPINEBUSTER.com]

I had thoughts on this past week's Monday Night Raw but thanks to the problems explained above, I couldn't get around to putting those thoughts into typed form. Then I thought, Who the hell wants to read about a show that took place nearly a week ago?! But now that we're on the eve of the WWE's Over The Limit pay-per-view I realized, what better excuse to bring up old shit! But because I've had to wait so long, my brain is like a new mother's tit ready to burst all over your faces. So with that visual in mind, tilt your head back and open wide and let's get into it...

First of all, the title of this post. WHAT'S WITH THE FUCKING REPLAYS?????? We got three replays...THREE REPLAYS, of what happened between Big Show and John Laurenitis on last week's show before the final resolution of Big Show getting fired. Raw is only two fucking hours long!!! And Big Show's segment didn't even come at the end of the show. So in less than two hours we had three fucking replays of something that happened just one week ago.

The only thing I can take away from this is that the WWE either thinks their viewing audience is made up entirely of goldfish, or they expect for viewers to leave the show and come back and that they need these multiple replays so that a) people who didn't catch the other replays will know what's going on, and b) people who didn't watch the segment from last week's show will know what's going on.

Given that viewers actually do leave and come back to Raw multiple times during the show, it makes sense to do this. But on the other hand, it's fucking annoying for those of us who actually watch every episode from start to finish. Imagine if other shows did this. Like if Law & Order replayed what happened in the first five minutes of the show two or three times throughout the rest of the episode. You'd never get through a fucking show!

Besides, I would think replaying the same segments over and over would be counterproductive to getting people to stay with the show. Aren't you enabling those viewers that do leave and come back with all these replays? Like you're telling them, "We know our show is boring so go ahead and watch something else for awhile; when you come back we'll let you know if you missed anything important." And in the process you're also punishing those who stay with it by subjecting them to that shit.

I actually thought some of the action on Raw was good this week. The opening tag match was decent. Big Show vs. Kane was actually a pretty good match. And Randy Orton vs. Chris Jericho was excellent. It's just a shame that they they could've devoted even more time to these matches and the others that got whittled down to practically nothing if they would've just cut out all the fucking replays.

John Cena's Jim Carrey impersonation could've stood to lose some time as well. But I'd even be willing to live with that if we can just do away with the replays (which I bet you're getting tired of reading in this post, but now you know how I felt watching Raw). And from now on I guess Raw's going three hours so we get to be treated to even more of them!

In my last post ("It's Time For Raw...Do You Know Where You're Children Are?"), which if you haven't read, you need to, I talk about the things that appeal to the WWE's target audience. Replays was not among them.

Think about an episode of Prime Time Wrestling from the 80's. Like Raw, PTW was a two-hour show. It consisted mostly of never-before-televised matches from house shows and the occasional replay of a match that took place on Superstars or Saturday Night's Main Event. It would also replay whatever interview segment that took place that week to advance an important storyline like the Brother Love Show, the Barber Shop, or a "Mean" Gene interview segment, etc.

But the replays weren't happening over and over again throughout the show. You got them once and that's all you needed because 1) you most likely already saw what happened when it originally aired, and 2) you saw the first fucking replay so you didn't need another one.

The point needs to be driven home (I can't help how that sounds), WRESTLING is what's missing. Give me a match that I may not see ever again and I'm not going to change the channel. Give me a bunch of fucking replays of shit I've seen more than once already, why the hell shouldn't I find something else to watch?

So there you have it. My brain has been fully expressed and hopefully you got your fill. If you didn't, you can check out www.SPINEBUSTER.com and go drink up some ideas from other people who love wrestling and need their brains emptied. Either way, I feel better and that's the last word.

Until next time, bitches...discuss!

It's Time For Raw...Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

[Annoying author's note: I'm doing this post bare bones on my phone because my internet is currently down. So don't expect the usual bells and whistles, and do expect typos galore.]

As an involved father of six (that's not a typo), I can tell you where my children are not. They are not in front of the tv watching Monday Night Raw.

My kids range in age from thirteen to four, mostly girls, with a couple of boys sprinkled in there too. So my house makes for a nice demographic study.

My oldest son, who's eight, is special needs and doesn't watch tv. My other son is the four year-old. Anytime I have wrestling on and he walks in the room the first words out of his mouth are "I LOVE wrestlings!" (Again, not a typo, that's how he says it.) He then plops down next to me and after about twenty seconds he's gone, off to find something else to do.

Hardly a knock on the product because, he's four. He does that with everything he watches. Some things hold his interest longer than others but for the most part, it's running back and forth between playing and watching. Plus, I don't think his understanding is fully there yet of how wrestling even works. Not the whole kayfabe thing, I mean I don't think he even knows that you win a match by pinning your opponent. All in due time.

My thirteen year-old has had the most exposure to wrestling just because she's been around the longest. She thinks the Undertaker is cool as hell but she won't sit through a match. A couple of years ago she might have, but I think the unfortunate curse that comes with being thirteen has struck in which everything you do either has to be really trendy or really, really entertaining in order to warrant your time.

What's that tell you? It tells me that as cool a character as the Undertaker is, his appeal goes only so far in the current product. If wrestling were trendy, which it was once upon a time, or if the stuff they were putting out was highly entertaining, which it isn't, they would probably be reaching this demographic of teenagers.

With all of these examples, of course there are exceptions to the rule. But even I went through it. When I was thirteen it was 1991 and Dusty Rhodes was dancing with Sapphire dressed in polka dots and the Bushwackers were the top contenders to the tag team titles. The Undertaker was around but at that time his character was pretty goofy. So in the interest of being cool, it was abandon ship as far as my love of wrestling was concerned.

Plus, my tastes had matured. I was reading gritty stories in Batman comics and dealing with relationships for the first time. My daughter is also a reader, having graduated to things like Eragon, the Hunger Games, and Where the Red Fern Grows. You really think she has any interest in watching Hornswoggle dance with Brodus Clay?

So where is the WWE making it's bread and butter if it's not with the little kids and it's not with the teenagers? How about with the kids in between? My six year old daughter is a little princess who could care less about wrestling. But my other two girls, ages eleven and ten, will still get into it. I ordered this year's Royal Rumble on pay-per-view and it was actually a lot of fun watching it with them because they were going nuts. The concept of being eliminated by going over the top rope added an element of suspense that had them on the edge of their seats, screaming and frantically clapping their hands, especially when it came down to the final two guys, Sheamus and Chris Jericho.

I can't say they really knew much about either guy. They just knew that Sheamus was the good guy and Jericho was the bad guy and that was enough for them. Unfortunately they did not follow in their father's footsteps and cheer for the heel. They fell right in line with the WWE program and cheered vehemently for Sheamus and celebrated wildly when he won. It was the same way with WrestleMania, which I also ordered. They cheered the good guys and booed the bad guys like good little members of the WWE Universe should.

That being said, these were the only two pay per views that I'm probably going to order this year. They'll sit and watch them because they know that a pay-per-view is something their dad pays for and sets aside time to watch. They'll get into it because the action is usually pretty consistent.

But when it's time for Monday Night Raw, my kids are usually finding something else to do.

Most of the segments bore them. They don't really care about storylines or getting to know the characters. What they need to know about them, they get in the matches. They know that Big Show is big. They know Kane is a big evil monster. They know Randy Orton is a lean, mean wrestling machine with a cool look and a cool move. They know John Cena wears the bright, colorful clothes and that he's the top good guy, going so far as to ask me if he is "the best wrestler" which usually results in an answer from me that is way more comprehensive than they care for.

Watching my own children and their response to the product has been quite the eye-opener. And it's helped me to realize that the WWE isn't trying to please me. They're trying desperately to appeal to a couple of my kids and their peers in the hopes that their product will catch on with them to the point that we will make a concerted effort as a family to purchase pay-per-views, merchandise and tickets, as well as watch their shows on a regular basis and maybe turn into lifelong fans. Knowing that helps me to relax a little because what is wrestling if it's not having fun. And if I can watch a pay-per-view with my family and just have fun, who am I to complain?

That being said, I think they are still failing to reach their target demographic in their weekly shows. I know I'd enjoy Raw and Smackdown a whole lot more if my kids were watching it with me. It sounds a little too simplistic but I think the answer is wrestling. I think things are a little too storyline-driven these days. I enjoy the occasional backstage segment or angle but the in-ring action has really taken a backseat to everything else the last few years.

Like I said, my kids know everything they need to about a wrestler by what they see in the ring. It was the same way when I was growing up. I didn't need a lot of angles involving Tito Santana to know he was a good guy or to become a fan. I became a fan of Tito because of what I saw him do in the ring. (oooh...italics) And squash matches went a long way in establishing who I became a fan of. It certainly hasn't hurt Ryback's popularity. It also helped me take undercard guys more seriously because I saw them actually get some offense in and win matches. So that when it was time to watch them on a pay-per-view, I was excited because I knew what they were capable of.

Did I really say all this just to say bring back wrestling and bring back squash matches? I guess I did. Fact is, I love wrestling, I love the WWE, and I'd like for my kids to love it too. And that's a subtle change that could be implemented gradually, inexpensively and perhaps really go a long way into boosting the company's bottom line. I seem to recall business being pretty good in the days of squashes and fifteen minute wrestling matches as a regular occurance tv.

Anyhow, sorry for being a little long-winded this time. I promise that's the last word, and I'll try to keep it shorter next time. Until then...discuss!