PULL UP A CHAIR

This post was inspired by a rather gruesome picture circulating on the internet of a "wrestler" with a replica of the Grand Canyon on top of his head thanks to a chair shot he received during a "wrestling match." In case you haven't seen it, here's a link to the Ring Wars Wrestling Facebook page where you can view it BUT BE WARNED, THE PHOTO IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART! It makes me a little nauseous and I'm a wrestling fan of thirty years who has seen a lot.

Anyhow, I figured this was as good a time as any to once again express my disdain for everything that is ECW and hardcore wrestling. I mention ECW specifically because it's the organization that really popularized hardcore wrestling in the United States. Sure, it was around for a long time before ECW was even conceived, in places like Puerto Rico and Memphis, but Extreme Championship Wrestling really took hardcore & high-spot wrestling "mainstream." And professional wrestling has never recovered.

Remember Chris Nowinski? Me neither. Truth is, I wasn't watching wrestling when he started making a push in the WWF in 2002 and 2003. He retired from wrestling at the age of 24 after suffering symptoms of post-concussion syndrome for over a year. After that he devoted himself to raising awareness about the dangers of concussions in contact sports, primarily football, but in wrestling as well.

My question is, since when do wrestlers get concussions? I realize there is a lot of high-impact involved in pro wrestling, especially these days, but when I was growing up, you never heard talk of concussions in wrestling. I'm sure it probably happened, but even when you read biographies of wrestlers who worked in that era or prior, you don't see it mentioned much from them either.

Sure, there was plenty of bloodletting from guys cutting themselves. You read about shoulder, arm, knee, leg, hip, back, and neck injuries. But talk about concussions is sparse. It isn't until the 90's when you start hearing that word become commonplace in discussions about injuries sustained in the ring.

Coincidentally, that's when "raising the bar" became the trendy thing to do. If Twitter had been around then, you probably would've had good ol' JR telling you to use #raisethebar during an episode of Monday Night Raw. But who spearheaded this revolution in which taking unprotected chair shots and integrating more kicks to the head and more high-impact moves that made it harder to protect yourself and your opponent the norm in professional wrestling?

That would be this guy.

I actually think it's hard to say that Paul Heyman is solely responsible. After all, the wrestlers who worked for him were all grown men (with the exception of Mass Transit that is) who chose to participate in this much more dangerous form of entertainment. And the fans certainly have to hold some accountability themselves as well, for relishing in these types of performances. And if it had stopped with them, then I would have a lot less to say about this subject.

The problem is it didn't stop with ECW. ECW closed its doors for good in April 2001. Fourteen years ago(WWE's revival of the brand doesn't count). And yet to this day there are still independent promotions that are trying to build off of that legacy. Wrestlers on every level are dropping like flies due to injury from moves that entered the mainstream of professional wrestling in that damn bingo hall in Philadelphia. Granted, the style of wrestling seen today was going to eventually become the norm anyway thanks to the "hybrid" style that wrestlers developed from working in several different places like Canada, Mexico, Europe, and Japan.

But for all of this flash and all of this risk, what's the true reward? What type of legacy are men like Daniel Bryan really building for themselves? Or how about Sami Zayn or Adrian Neville? Fans today still have great regard for legends of the past like Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, The Ultimate Warrior, and Jake "The Snake" Roberts. Did anyone of them take unprotected chair shots? Did any of them dive through the ropes to the arena floor? Will the people who are taking such risks today, either in WWE or for an independent promotion, be remembered in the same way as these legends? If it wasn't the risks they were taking, what was it about these performers that we all remember so fondly?

It was the way they captivated our hearts and our imaginations without resorting to such cheap tricks. I realize they all had their vices, but frankly any idiot can take a chair shot. In fact, if a bunch of out-of-shape hillbillies want to beat the shit out of each other strictly for the amusement of other out-of-shape hillbillies I say more power to them. Next time do the universe a favor and put a little more Oomph! behind that chair shot and finish the job!

But for those who truly have the talent and ability to perform and entertain, I regret that risk will always be part of the job. Thankfully, World Wrestling Entertainment has cracked down on the level of violence it allows. It just isn't necessary in order to tell a story in the ring. Now if only all wrestling promotions, WWE included, can be convinced that it's not so much WHAT takes place during their shows, but WHY. Then perhaps we can enjoy watching our favorites perform a little longer and in ways that will stick with us, not for the random sort of chaos and activity that causes a car wreck to stick with you, but for the sort of creativity, nuance, and ability to tap into the human emotion that cause our favorite stories to forever be etched in our subconscious minds, and bring a smile to our face when we recall them consciously.

Think about those moments that you will never forget and what made them so memorable. Certainly the action is tied to those memories. After all, it's professional wrestling. But I dare say the reason you hold onto those memories goes deeper than that. And that's the greatness of professional wrestling that I'm afraid too often is being substituted for with high spots. And there's not a promotion on ANY level that isn't guilty of this!

So rather than pulling up a chair to split another man's skull with, how about you take a seat and watch the pros of the past do more with glance than you could with a 450 splash?

I'm Handsome Dan, and you just read the last word.

["Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular contributor to Ring Wars Facebook Page. Follow him on Twitter, @DansLastWord]

The Greatest Heel Stable In Wrestling History

[Douchey Author's Note: Lofty title, right? But when you tout yourself as The Smartest Man Not In Pro Wrestling (trademark, muthafuckas!), you tend to have to go balls-in or else people just don't take you seriously.]

The inspiration for this post came from considering nWo Wulfpac, the babyface stable that sprung from a "split" in the original nWo. It featured Kevin Nash, Sting, Lex Luger, Konnan, and briefly, Randy Savage. With the exception of Konnan, all big names, all very popular and successful in their own right. The group was certainly over, but in terms of booking, it actually sucked. It made me wonder whether or not a babyface stable could actually succeed in wrestling.

And as usual, when I get to thinking about wrestling, one thought leads to a million others. So as I contemplated the merits of a babyface stable, I started examining the entire purpose of a stable in wrestling. And here, in all it's rawness, is how that played out...

The ultimate benefit to a stable is having someone to watch your back. Heels take it a step further by having someone interfere on their behalf or give them an unfair advantage in a fight. Heel stables get over by exploiting this to the max. The Hart Foundation was probably the best example of heels getting an advantage in such a sneaky, chickenshit way and against such popular faces, that fans actually hated them.

Some heel stables are full of such individually cool characters that they're hard to hate no matter what they do. Like the Four Horsemen. They were dastardly cheats who always took every advantage to beat up on the most popular babyfaces. But besides that they were cool. They could wrestle, they could talk, they were tough, and had a sweet life.

The Hart Foundation on the other hand were hard to like. An Elvis impersonator? Two guys who wear pink and can't win without cheating? A wrestling referee? A little pipsqueak who wears hearts and uses a megaphone? Those are heat magnets. Add all the classic heel stable tactics and you've got a group of assholes you can't wait to see the shit beaten out of.

Any heel stable has to win a little. The degree to which they need to win varies depending on who they're facing. If they're being built up to eventually fall to the top babyface, they should win a lot. On the other hand, if all they do is lose, they're just a comedy group. Buffoons who can't even cheat well. That has its place in the show but can't be taken seriously.

Like 3MB. The odds are in their favor every single time and they still lose. But that could be turned around. Give them a manager and either a "roadie" or a bodyguard and you could have a very successful, hateable group.

The last five paragraphs were my unedited hand-written notes on this topic. Just to expound a bit, I'd like to say that The Hart Foundation of 1987 was the greatest heel group of all time. Bold proclamation I know. But by "greatest" I want to make it clear that I don't mean "most successful" or "best" but then again, I do. What I mean is, if the purpose behind heels banding together and forming a stable in the first place is making it work to their advantage to achieve success in spite of their own limitations or the level of competition they're up against, then the Hart Foundation of 1987 did it the best, was the most successful, drew the most legitimate heat, against the best babyface competition, and therefore, was the greatest heel stable of all time.

I'm sure the arguments contrary to my point of view will be many and varied: no longevity, no world titles, not enough individually great wrestlers, not enough main events, etc, etc. Allow me to squash every single one of those in order: longevity hurt the Horsemen more than it helped them, a lack of world titles doesn't mean shit, a lack of individually great wrestlers actually lends to the greatness of the stable, the Honky Tonk Man headlined plenty of shows at his hottest, and just for shits and giggles, let me also throw in the fact that when it came time to form the Mega Powers, the evil force that brought them together was the Hart Foundation, not the Heenan Family nor any other top heel working at the time.

I haven't seen everything, nor do I claim to know everything. I'm sure someone could come up with another example of a heel stable, something I haven't seen perhaps, that might also fit this definition of "great". That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying if there is a measuring stick for the right kind of success for a heel stable, the Hart Foundation is it.

Heels getting cheered has always been a thing in wrestling. And I'm sure it always will be. I'm probably the biggest offender when it comes to cheering the bad guys. But I love the kind of heels that nobody likes. To me, that is the most successful kind of heel. And every single member of the Hart Foundation was that kind of heel.

Bret Hart was the coolest of the group but in 1987, he was downright mean. He joined in with Honky Tonk Man and the rest of crew in threatening Elizabeth and mocking her when HTM violently knocked her to ground. The way he would cheat at every opportunity and pal up to Danny Davis, the despicable corrupt referee, there's no way anyone could like this guy! And credit "Mean" Gene Okerlund who sold "Hitman" and "The Anvil" as a couple of sick individuals. He'd play along with Honky Tonk Man's routine, but when it came to the Harts, he was always appalled by their actions, even once throwing down the mic and walking out on an interview with them. Great stuff!

It all lead exactly where it was supposed to lead. To the two most popular babyfaces in the company teaming up to wreak havoc on the whole bunch. I swear, my television set was shaking after Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage cleaned house of the entire bunch and then shook hands. I've heard a lot of ovations in my time as a wrestling fan, but that one, which wasn't even live, seemed like it shook the fucking arena!

Does the overness of Hogan and Savage deserve the credit for that? Certainly. But the crowd had been effectively worked into such a frenzy that it was ready to explode and THAT is thanks to the despicable actions of greatest heel stable of all time.

Point is, I love wrestling. And great booking, great psychology, deserves to be recognized. It's a fucking tragedy when the spotlight shines on others while sheer genius seems to go almost completely unrecognized [I experience it every time I post a new blog and no one comments on it. But I digress...].

When it comes to the Hart Foundation, it seems like there's always something getting in the way of them receiving the credit that they're due. Mention what a great manager Jimmy Hart was (the greatest of all time in my opinion, but that's an entirely different post), and right away someone has to bring up that Bobby Heenan was better. And of course, they just happened to work for the same company at the same time, both as heels. But when the Heenan Family started winning multiple titles in 1989 and 1990, it was like everyone forgot that the Hart Foundation had already done it.

Speaking of the Hart Foundation, mention them as a tag team, and while they may get some accolades, fans usally have more regard for The innovations of the British Bulldogs, or the legacy of Demolition, or the fact that the Rockers were never tag champs. Or they care more about Bret's singles career. And while I agree that the Hart Foundation just as a tag team, especially as babyfaces, wasn't the most exciting. But as a part of Jimmy Hart's stable, they played their roles to absolute perfection.

And the Honky Tonk Man. Mention him and it's either he didn't deserve to beat Ricky Steamboat or his quick loss to The Ultimate Warrior. Sure, everyone remembers that he's the longest reigning Intercontinental Champion of all time, but his feud with Savage is hardly ever mentioned among the greatest feuds in history when it was possibly the greatest feud Savage ever had. It seems like he's easy to dismiss because of his limited ring skills but last I checked drawing heat as a heel is a skill too and Honky Tonk was exceptional at it. His limited ability was one of the big reasons he was so hated. Macho Man should've wrestled circles around this clown but for all his efforts, he couldn't rest that I-C title away. And it wasn't just the interference of Jimmy Hart that helped hold on to the title, it was the mind games Honky Tonk played with Savage concerning Elizabeth. Yet no one ever acknowledges that.

And don't even get me started on this guy.

Just look at him. You can tell he's a fucking asshole. The fact he couldn't wrestle for shit made the success of the entire stable even more infuriating. He wasn't tough or talented, just a slimy piece of shit sneaking around just waiting to screw the good guys over. It doesn't get more heel than that!

Every individual has a role that they play in wrestling. And so does every stable. Not every stable is going to be the same. If that was the case then there would be no separation between the great ones and the mediocre. But I'm afraid a real oversight has taken place and is ongoing to this day with regard to the Hart Foundation. So it's my hope that if nothing else, this post will not only awaken you assholes to MY greatness as The Smartest Man Not In Pro Wrestling [Son!], but also give you pause next time one of those all-time discussions gets started on the Facebook, Twitter, or even sitting around the house with your pals and you won't be so quick to overlook The Greatest Heel Stable in Wrestling History.

Now THAT'S the Last Word. I'm out.

{"Handsome" Dan's ghetto ass is without a computer right now, but as soon as that situation is corrected look for more of his musings on Wrestling Rambles, Ring Wars Facebook page, and he's mentioned regularly on his two favorite wrestling shows, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast, and Turnbuckle Throwbacks. Both of which you can find at swn.shiningwizards.com.}

WWE Suffering From Severe Memory Loss

As of WrestleMania XXIX, WWE featured a roster of 64 male workers. Subtract the 5 part-timers (Chris Jericho, The Rock, Triple H, Undertaker, and Brock Lesnar) and you're left with 59. Subtract the 2 non-wrestlers (Hornswoggle and Ricardo Rodriguez) and you're left with 57.

Of those 57 male wrestlers, 19 were involved in matches at WrestleMania XXIX. Add the 4 (Brodus Clay, Tensai, Cody Rhodes, and Damien Sandow)that were originally scheduled to have a match and that gives you 22.

So 22 of 57, or 38% of the current regular roster of male workers was doing anything noteworthy or of any interest at the time of WrestleMania XXIX.

[Author's Note: I'm using the WWF roster from the time of Survivor Series 1988 because that's when I was the most familiar with the entire depth of the roster]

By contrast, going into the 1988 Survivor Series event, of the 50 male workers on the regular roster, 28 were involved in some type of program, angle, or feud.

That's 28 of 50, or 56%.

Pretty significant difference, right? Even more so when you consider these numbers:

WWE currently offers 6.5 hours (7.5 if you count NXT; I'm not only because viewers have to pay for a subscription to Hulu Plus in order to watch it)of programming every week on free TV.

All current WWE tv shows feature original programming. Yes, there are replays galore from other shows, but they are built around original content: matches, promos, & backstage segments.

By contrast, the WWF in 1988 offered only 5 hours of programming every week on free TV.

The shows offered by the WWF in 1988 were made up mostly of matches and segments that were re-aired from other shows and very little original content to the point that I as a ten year-old fan didn't even watch All-American Wrestling or Wrestling Spotlight because I knew I wasn't going to see anything I hadn't already seen before.

Yet the WWF in 1988 was able to generate interest in a greater percentage of the regular roster of male workers than WWE has today despite more tv time and more original content. By a whopping 18%! How is that possible?

4 reasons. That we'll see as we examine the differences between the TV shows WWF offered in 1988 and those offered by WWE today:

1) They Utilized More of the Talent. Makes sense, right? You use more of your roster, fans care about more of your roster. In a regular WWF programming week, you were more likely to see Hercules or Koko B. Ware wrestle than Hulk Hogan or Andre the Giant.

2) They Utilized Tag Teams. Bit players like The Barbarian, The Warlord, Barry Darsow (Smash of Demolition), Raymond Rougeau, and Jim Neidhart, guys who would never do anything particularly interesting in their singles careers, fans could appreciate and become invested in because they were part of an entertaining, competitive tag team division (More on that later).



3) They Utilzed Squash Matches. Wrestlers at every stage of their career, whether veterans whose best days were behind them like Harley Race, Ken Patera, Tito Santana, or Greg Valentine, as well as rising stars who had not yet peaked like Curt Hennig, The Blue Blazer, or Big Bossman, could always look impressive and maintain a certain amount of respect in the eyes of fans by mowing down local jobbers on TV week-in and week-out. Despite the match not being competitive, it still captured my imagination as a fan because it was a glimpse into the character's persona and moveset. Squash matches showed fans how good a WWF Superstar could be. And it would whet their anticipation for the big encounter between that Superstar and their arch-rival, or for the time when that Superstar moved up in competition. It would spark the imagination and get fans thinking up dream matches and wondering, "What would happen if Mr. Perfect met The Blue Blazer?" or, "I can't wait to see Demolition finally matched up against The Powers of Pain!" That's excitement. That's fan interest. And it was created by squash matches.

4) They Utilized a Good Mix. I'll admit, as much as I appreciated a good squash, it was also nice to see the occasional competitive match. And the WWF, at least in 1988, smartly balanced their programming by offering midcard, lower midcard, and tag team matches between members of the regular roster as either the "Feature Match" of their syndicated shows, or sprinkled throughout Prime Time Wrestling (my personal favorite). So you never went too long without seeing The Rockers vs. The Conquistadors, The Red Rooster vs. Ken Patera, or Curt Hennig vs. Jim Brunzell. They may not have been "dream matches" but they were more competitive than squash matches and highly entertaining. And you appreciated them as a "rare treat" because it wasn't something you saw all the time.

By contrast, in weekly WWE programming today:

1) They Utilize the Same Talent Over and Over. You could probably count on both hands the workers you see on WWE programming every week. If fans never see Alex Riley, Justin Gabriel, Ted DiBiase Jr., Tyson Kidd, Yoshi Tatsu, Curt Hawkins, JTG, or Michael McGillicuty, how are they supposed to care about them?



2) They Under-utilize Tag Teams. The only real tag team WWE has is Team Hell No. Only recently have the teams of Rhodes Scholars and Brodus Clay & Tensai been taken seriously. Other recognize tag teams are either glorified jobbers getting squashed every week (The Prime Time Players and Primo & Epico), or are never seen (Jimmy & Jey Uso).

3) Superstars Get Squashed. WWE still utilizes squash matches. But now, it's the workers on the regular roster getting squashed by the upper card guys and losing all their credibility.

4) The Same Match-ups Occur Over and Over. Without jobbers to squash, mid and lower card guys have to do the job every week. This makes match-ups between members of the regular roster commonplace instead of a rare treat. Also, the upper card guys are on TV and wrestling each other every week making what should be marquee matches that generate lots of excitement and pay-per-view revenue, into everyday occurances that are regarded as no big deal.



WWE is making plenty of money. Because they have more to sell now than ever before. But television ratings indicate that the public's interest in their TV shows has waned. I realize ratings aren't as critical as they used to be. Vince is no longer selling his TV show. He's selling his brand. And now that WWE is the only game in town as far as wrestling goes, he's always going to have an audience.

But at what cost? There's an underlying tragedy in all of this and it's not just that the fans aren't being entertained as well as they could be.

Fans who grew up watching wrestling the same time I did have fond memories of the things they saw despite the fact that there were no part-timers. They didn't need big names from the past coming back just to get them to buy a pay-per-view. They cared about the current roster. They cared about the entire roster, from the midcard all the way down to glorified jobbers like Sam Houston, Koko B. Ware, and "Dangerous" Danny Davis.



And they cared about tag teams. This is where the tragedy really lies.

Are WWE and its fans really missing anything by not getting a greater percentage of the current roster more involved in meaningful storylines?

The answer is yes.

Consider, two men who would become the WWF's biggest stars, Shawn Michaels and Bret Hart, were members of mid-level tag teams in 1988. Sure, the Hart Foundation had won the tag team titles by then but their reign was brief and unremarkable. There was no guarantee that they'd ever win the belts again. Sure no one suspected at that time what Bret would become.

Same with Shawn. The Rockers never won the tag titles. I'm sure some within the organization thought he had a singles future, but certainly not to the degree that he eventually achieved.

The point is, these men had the opportunity to show glimpses of what they could do because of tag teams. Fans had the opportunity to invest in them emotionally because of tag teams.

So when it was time for Bret to challenge Curt Hennig for the Intercontinental title, the fans were already behind him. When Shawn Michaels threw his longtime partner Marty Jannetty through a plate glass window, fans were in utter disbelief. These two guys were able to hit the ground running as singles performers thanks to the time they spent working in tag teams.



Imagine if both had worked strictly singles from the time they entered the WWF. It took Bret six years before he began a successful singles run. For Shawn it took four years. That's longer than the entire tenure of some midcarders. Perhaps they would've stuck. But what if they hadn't? There would be none of the accomplishments, the great matches, or the memories.

Who knows what accomplishments, what matches, what memories WWE and its fans could be experiencing right now or even five years from now but never will because of World Wrestling Entertainment's current disregard for tag team wrestling?

The cynic may say, "Ah, who cares about a Zack Ryder, or a Ted DiBiase, or a Michael McGillicuty? They aren't anything great." The same could've easily been said about a couple of guys in 1988. "Bret Hart? Yeah, he's good but he'll never be World Champion. He's just not charismatic enough." "Shawn Michaels? That long-haired pretty boy from that sissy tag team?" Yeah, that Shawn Michaels. Believe it or not, he's going to become the greatest wrestler of all-time. "No fucking way!"



What would you have said?

Who will take up the mantle of "the Best There Is, the Best There Was, and the Best There Ever Will Be"? Who will be the next "Showstopper" or "Mr. WrestleMania"? Or is the question rather, "Who could it have been?"



Sadly, we may never know.

And that's the last word for now. Don't let the chance to make your mark pass you by. Leave a comment, then tell your friends to come check out what you had to say.

[You can read more of "Handsome" Dan's work on the Ring Wars Facebook Page. He also writes a weekly review of WWE Smackdown for Wrestling Rambles and is mentioned regularly on his two favorite wrestling shows, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast and Turnbuckle Throwbacks.]

SMH! The Lamest Moments in Wrestling History

We've all been there. You're flipping through the channels as a kid and you come across this bizarre spectacle known as professional wrestling. And for some cosmic reason that no one can explain, you find yourself unable to look away. You're officially hooked. Now, the people around you, family, maybe even friends, don't understand your obsession but that doesn't stop you from defending your newfound love at every opportunity.

And then it happens. It's Saturday morning and there you are minding your own business. You've just poured yourself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and sat down to watch Superstars of Wrestling when something takes place on your tv that causes a momentary disconnect from your soul and the thing you love and you find yourself powerless to resist that all too human of instincts, shaking your head. For not even you, with all your diehard love of pro wrestling can justify what you've just witnessed. And if that weren't bad enough, that's the exact moment your infidel loved ones decide to walk into the room! Now they're shaking their heads too and you're doing everything you can not to make eye contact.

How do I know this story so well? Because I've been there too. So join me as we relive the pain of the Lamest Moments in Wrestling History.

The following moment was what inspired the idea for this post so I feel it fitting we start with...

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR - HULK HOGAN FEUD

This video features the contract signing to end all contract signings and probably marks the beginning of the end of my first phase of dedicated wrestling fandom.



If you've seen it before or are seeing it for the first time, even a ten year-old would have to admit it's just plain ridiculous. And that's why now that I think about it, the title of this post couldn't be more appropriate because it is virtually impossible to watch this crap and not shake your head in utter disbelief at how tragically bad it is!

Did this contract signing or the promos by Warrior leading up to the big match (which were just as bad. Don't believe me? Watch this video.) kill my enthusiasm for the rivalry? Almost. But the truth is, I didn't need the contract signing, or Warrior's promos to sell me on the idea of the two biggest stars in wrestling at the time, two unbeatable babyfaces, the top two champions, in an epic showdown at wrestling's biggest event of the year. DUH! Of course any wrestling fan's going to want to see that!



I was twelve when this all went down and even though I was old enough to know that wrestling was "fake," I could still get excited about big match-ups like this because they didn't happen all the time. Imagine trying to sell this today? Anyone mind if I ramble a little here?

Take the elements that made Hogan vs. Warrior I such a huge draw and apply them to today's WWE landscape and here's what you get:

Wrestling's two biggest stars: Hogan and Warrior were both members of the regular roster at the time and worked house shows so The Rock and Undertaker would immediately be disqualified. Obviously, one of the participants would have to be John Cena. But who would the other one be? Randy Orton? Ryback? I'm going to say Ryback only because he started to really pick up steam while challenging for CM Punk's WWE Title around the time of Survivor Series and that's usually when the seeds for the main event of WrestleMania are planted. Orton probably gets bigger pops and moves more merch but Ryback has a lot of the intangibles to be a big star.

Two unbeatable babyfaces: This certainly applies to Cena, who hasn't lost clean since what, 2005? No, his loss to The Rock doesn't count. That's simply an anomaly. Like Halley's comet or something. Ryback has yet to be cleanly beaten, unless you count his loss to the Shielld in the six man tag match at Elimination Chamber. At least as a singles competitor, he's not lost fairly.

The top two champions: Here's where the water get a little murky. Back in the day, they would put a belt on a guy because he was over. These days, I'm not exactly sure why they put belts on people. I would say it's because they're over, like in the case of Antonio Cesaro, who's talent cannot be questioned or suppressed. However, since winning the United States Championship, he's lost more than he ever did without it. So it would almost seem like getting over and getting the title has actually hurt him. Whereas, when it came to the Ultimate Warrior, he clearly had a path laid out before him that stretched from his debut all the way to the WWF Championship and the Intercontinental Title was just a stop along the way. There was no stopping of his momentum.

I realize it's a different era, and actually, the secondary singles championships have been so devalued that they would hardly matter in a marquee match-up like this, but it would be nice if Ryback had won the I-C title and successfully defended it until the big showdown between himself and John Cena at WrestleMania.

It seems hard to believe, but when broken down like this, you can see how a big match like this is actually plausible in the current WWE. Nevertheless, that's not what we're getting. At least not this year. Would it be on the same level as Warrior vs. Hogan? Hard to say. It would all depend on the build-up. I would say with all certainty that the promos would be better. I'd even say with absolute confidence that the match itself would be better. Damn, the more I entertain the thought, the more I regret that WWE didn't have the foresight to make John Cena vs. Ryback happen but oh well. I guess they figure, there's always next year, right?

SWEET SAPPHIRE! POLKA DOTS, IF YOU WILL...

When Dusty Rhodes first debuted in the WWF his attire consisted mostly of a tie-dyed shirt and jeans. Fine. He may be grossly out of shape, but he's Dusty Freaking Rhodes. Even as someone who never got to watch him because I was grew up on the wrong side of the country, I knew who he was and even though he was doing some rather silly "Common Man" skits, I could still take him seriously.

But then...



Alright, not the worst wardrobe change. I mean, polka dots are fun, right? As long as "The Dream" gets in there and takes care of business, I can ignore those Power Pellets that he's got all over him.

Until...



The fuck?? Believe it or not, this picture only tells part of the tale. Not only did these two heftys wear matching dots, but they put them suckers in motion! Observe...but be warned, this video is not for the faint of heart.

Incredible as it may seem, because he's Dusty Freaking Rhodes and possessing of otherworldly charisma, the man made this work. That is, until Vince McMahon decided the only way to truly bury "The American Dream" once and for all was to simply, bury him. So he went on a losing streak the likes of which are reserved these days for anyone wearing a championship belt not named Dwayne or Alberto.

There is so much more to say on this subject, and fear not, for I will revisit this topic very, very soon. But seeing as how it is now almost 4am and I'm supposed to report to work in three hours, this is where this post ends. So for now I suggest you take what I've given you and....DISCUSS!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez, The Smartest Man Not In Pro Wrestling is a regular contributor to WrestlingRambles.com. He is also a regular mention on his two favorite wrestling shows, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast, and Turnbuckle Throwbacks. Follow him on Twitter, @DansLastWord.]

FEED...ME...Less?

It's no secret we Americans are just a smidge overweight.

Alright, so not only is it not a secret, but apparently we're screaming it from the fucking rooftops!

And the rooftop is collapsing.

What's this got to do with wrestling, you ask? Simple, we Americans are fat because we're constantly wanting MORE. We're Americans after all. We fought for our independence (well, actually, our forefathers' forefathers did because had we been the ones fighting we'd have all collapsed from heart failure charging up the first hill) and if it can be Super Sized, then by God we're gonna Super Size it!

And that's the prevailing mentality here in the good ol' U.S. of A. MORE is BETTER. So when Americans took over the WWE in the form of shareholders, guess what happened? This same mentality took over as well.

The result? Seven and a half hours of original WWE programming every week. EVERY WEEK!

I know this argument has been made countless times before BUT (that's right assholes, I'm about to make it again)...take a popular weekly sitcom like ABC's Modern Family. In four seasons they've run a grand total of seventy-six episodes. That's nineteen episodes per season. WWE's Monday Night Raw, by comparison, doesn't have "seasons." It runs every week, all year long. No breaks. Modern Family's total running time is twenty-two minutes. Raw's total running time? Two hours and fifteen minutes.

So by the American mentality, Raw should be crushing Modern Family every week in the ratings, right? After all, more is better, isn't it?

Guess again, fatty. Modern Family is not only a critical success, having won multiple awards but it is also a commercial success currently averaging 12.71 million viewers each week, nearly FOUR TIMES as many viewers as last week's Monday Night Raw.

Close your mouth, you chubby cherub, before your dinner falls out.

The truth is, when it comes to writing compelling television, when it comes to entertaining the masses, LESS is MORE!

It's not easy being entertaining twenty-four seven. Why do you think you don't get one of these blogs every single week? There's only so many interesting things to write about in an entertaining manner. So to avoid putting out a crappy product, I don't write a blog until a) I have some interesting material to work with, and b) I'm convinced that I can make it entertaining. If I come up short in one of those two areas, guess what? I DON'T PUBLISH IT!

But do you think WWE has the foresight to do that? Nope. Because we've got to have MORE! It's actually quite poetic that the catchphrase of the new Superstar their pushing is...

I certainly don't think this was done on purpose simply because, as I stated earlier, I just don't believe WWE has the foresight to be so blatantly subtle. I chalk it up to the magic of irony, which has owned more bitches since the beginning of time than George Clooney.

"I'm not worthy!"
Let me try to explain this phenomenon with one example before we get to my Last Word. WWE recently debuted their newest weekly show, Main Event on ION Television. It's an hour-long show focusing primarily on one match, the Main Event if you will (Daddy!). The announcers talk up the importance of the main event, there's a video package about each wrestler involved, and the wrestlers are interviewed backstage. Then you have the match itself, usually a contest lasting about twenty minutes, featuring decent action. This is followed up by a much shorter undercard bout. All in all, it's not a bad show. I like the fact that the in-ring product is the focal point.

However, when you have FIVE HOURS of programming to fill every week already, do you really need one more?? Especially when the one hour devoted to Main Event, is nothing that couldn't be done as part of any other show! It wasn't that long ago that Raw went from two hours to three hours. That extra time could easily be taken up by what they're doing on Main Event.

I understand the logistics. Another show on another network means more eyes on the product, more advertising dollars, more sponsorship money, yadda yadda. But the creative aspect is suffering.

How is it suffering? What's my chief complaint, you ask? Simple. Nothing is memorable anymore. It's the difference between all-you-can-eat and fine dining. Now, to me, fine dining is a delicious, one-of-a-kind cheeseburger. But give me one of those bad boys, let me savor it, and I'm good. But if I'm at an all-you-can eat place, sure I'm tasting the first bite, but after that I'm trying to cram as much food down my gullet as I can to make sure I'm getting my money's worth.

What's the result? I'm no longer savoring what I'm eating. The experience is no longer memorable. That's what WWE has become. What was the best match on Smackdown last week? How about the best match on Raw two weeks ago? What is the best match you've seen in the last two years? How does that match compare to other good matches you've seen in the past?

I realize that sometimes we can pick out certain things about an all-you-can-eat experience that are memorable, but if you've ever experienced fine dining, you know that food is capable of being so much better. That's my complaint. Professional wrestling, as an entertaining art form, can be so much more than what it is in World Wrestling Entertainment. And it's a shame when something with so much potential to be great, is being wrapped in paper and flung out of a drive-thru window.

One more example, and I'll make this my Last Word. In 1988, if you found out that the main event of a WWF Superstars of Wrestling that week was going to be Jumpin' Jim Brunzell against Greg "The Hammer" Valentine, you would be excited about it. Now, someone who is a fan of the current product and didn't grow up during that time might say, "Who gives a fuck about two midcarders in the main event?" And to that my response is, "Exactly."

Think about it, Junior. That's the Last Word. Until next time, true believers......DISCUSS!

{Our intrepid author, "Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular mention on his favorite wrestling show, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. Follow him on Twitter @DansLastWord.}

Raw is....AJ?

There's been a lot of buzz in the Internet Wrestling Community (a designation that is about as annoying as "WWE Universe") about Impact Wrestling, TNA, SNM, STD, whatever. A lot of people making a case for why it's the best weekly wrestling show right now and that's fine.

But it got me thinking, "Is Raw really a good wrestling show?"

I don't know how regularly you watch it or why but I watch Raw every single week. Unfortunately I work nights so I can't watch it live but I would if I could. Instead I DVR it and watch it as soon as I can. Sometimes I don't get to it until Thursday but I don't go a week without watching.

Why? Because it's WWE. It's what I was raised on. It's what made me fall in love with wrestling in the first place. You don't just abandon something that you have that kind of history with.

Plus, WWE is still the "major leagues" of professional wrestling. If something really big is going to happen it's going to happen in WWE. The Rock and Brock Lesnar weren't going anywhere else and their involvement, regardless of how it played out or how it may play out, was compelling.

But Raw, which hasn't been my favorite show for awhile now, always seems to be the "go to" show for people like me. Diehard wrestling fans who were also brought up on WWE/WWF and just assume that nothing important is happening on Smackdown and it's not worth watching. I've actually enjoyed Smackdown a lot more than I have Raw for the past several weeks but that's another topic for another time.

What we're looking at now is the question of whether or not a basic episode of Raw can honestly be called a good wrestling show. So let's dissect yesterday's installment, shall we?

OPENING VIDEO PACKAGE REPLAYING WHAT BIG SHOW DID TO CENA LAST WEEK
- I like the way they've built Big Show up to this point. It's similar to how they put Mark Henry over strong and that was very compelling.
Last Word: PLUS

JOHN CENA, DANIEL BRYAN, CM PUNK, CHRIS JERICHO, KANE, BIG SHOW IN RING SEGMENT TO PROMOTE MONEY IN THE BANK.
-I actually like John Cena's invovlement in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. That concept got really boring and this was one of the few things that hadn't been done yet and at least for me, has breathed new life into the concept.
-Daniel Bryan, again, owned everyone else on the mic. He's a genuine old-school heel who is actually cutting wrestling promos as opposed to Cena and Punk who go out and just talk. There's a difference.
Last Word: I give this segment a PLUS. Daniel Bryan did a good job furthering his character and Big Show ended up looking strong. And CM Punk finally spoke up for himself as WWE Champion. Everybody's been laying claim to his title and he's said nothing. It was nice to see him finally put his foot down, even confronting the Almighty Cena.

PRIME TIME PLAYERS, DAVID OTUNGA & CODY RHODES vs. KOFI KINGSTON, R-TRUTH, CHRISTIAN & SANTINO
-First of all, who gives a fuck about any of these people? And it's always the same ones matched up all the time.
-The Prime Time Players are still realatively new and fresh but they showed how green they were in this terrible match.
-How many times is David Otunga going to job to the Cobra?
-I'm glad that there was some continuity with Brodus Clay and Otunga feuding but those matches are going to be awful anyway so unfortunately, there's no real payoff.
Last Word: MINUS

TEDDY LONG BACKSTAGE WITH ALBERTO DEL RIO
-I actually thought Teddy did a great job during his angle with John Laurenitis. Unfortuantely, that angle is over and he's gone back to the boring, outdated wanna-be pimp GM.
-Teddy thinking that Del Rio doesn't deserve a title shot after he beat the U.S. Champion and the Intercontinental Champion cleanly in the same week means he either doesn't watch the shows or he's an idiot. Saying it pops the "Universe" though because Del Rio's a "bad guy" so whatever.
Last Word: MINUS

ALBERTO DEL RIO NON-MATCH WITH SIN CARA
-I LOVE area-specific match-ups like this. Unfortunately, they didn't let them actually wrestle.
-Del Rio actually beating Sin Cara in a match would've been a better build for him.
Last Word: MINUS

AJ EATS FLOWERS
-The first appearance of AJ. It was in the perfect spot. She didn't open the show. She had more interaction with Daniel Bryan which is good for him. She kept up the crazy girl gimmick. Fine.
Last Word: PLUS

PAUL HEYMAN LOOKS LIKE SHIT VIA SATELLITE TOO
-How funny was his face when that asshole started messing with his tie??
-I love Paul Heyman but I'm starting to hate this angle because it appears to be building towards a HHH win at SummerSlam. I could be wrong and I hope I am. After all, I think nearly everyone expected John Cena to win at Mania so I could still end up being surprised.
-It would be great if this angle was allowed to play out and Heyman won his "lawsuit" against the WWE and became the "owner" and actually "ran" WWE for a little while.
Last Word: Although I've been enjoying the angle and Heyman's performances, I'm giving this segment a MINUS because they teased an answer all week and Heyman basically didn't say anything new.

DOLPH IS TO THE BROGUE KICK WHAT OTUNGA IS TO THE COBRA
-What the fuck does Dolph Ziggler have to be so confident about? How many times can you get beat and still come out yelling, "This is MY time!"
-That old Braveheart Sheamus once again kicks his much smaller opponent when he's not looking. What a champion we can all be proud of!
-Speaking of which, the World Heavyweight Championship belt is really starting to look a lot more prestigious than the WWE Championship belt. The "big gold" had been around so long and the way it had been booked it became sort of an afterthought but now with ADR and Ziggler chasing it and Sheamus being booked to look so strong that's flipped. Punk and his title have become secondary to the whole "crazy chick" angle and it's now HIS belt that's become an afterthought.
Last Word: MINUS

HEY PUNK, "WOT HOPPENED?"
-We get our third installment of AJ, this time backstage with the champ who is quickly becoming the Ricky Ricardo of Raw and AJ is Lucy, stealing every segment their in together and completely pushing him into the background.
Last Word: MINUS

DOINK GOES "DOINK" AND DDP KILLS ANDY GRIFFITH
-I honestly don't think anyone in that crowd knew who the clown was. For that matter, I don't know who the clown was! It could've been ANYBODY! He didn't do anything that was particular to the Doink character other than being dressed like him. I'd much rather preferred to see DDP wrestle.
-Speaking of the real "People's Champ" (sorry Rock, but until YOU leave through the crowd, DDP is ALWAYS going to hold that title in MY book!), I'd much rather have preferred had he come out to the "Self Hi-Five" Nirvana rip-off he used in WCW. It would've been better for Andy Griffith that's for sure. I had no idea the former Sheriff of Mayberry was a wrestling fan but hearing DDP rip off Earest T. Bass in his entrance theme was apparently too much for the eighty-six year-old Matlock to take.
Last Word: MINUS

KANE SAYS OTHERWISE, THEN GOES OUT AND DOES IT
-Wrestling Booking Rule #89: Jobbing out a credible opponent in five minutes doesn't make the winner of the match who you are trying to build look strong. It makes the loser of the match look weak. In other words, Kane vs Big Show equals EPIC FAIL.
Last Word: MINUS

AJ TAKES A NAP ON EVE'S BREAST
-This is where we cross the line into "AJ Overload" territory. Her segment with Bryan, her match, and her segment with Punk did enough to advance the character for one show. I get it. She's unstable. How about make the Kane-Big Show match a little longer instead?
-Also, she was practically eating Eve's boob! Not that there's anyting wrong with that, but if you're trying to get AJ over as the company's top hottie, putting her next to Eve is like putting your sister's cute friend next to the smoking hot teacher and telling you to pick one. It's really no contest.
Last Word: MINUS

YOSHI TATSU: "A SCHOOLBOY! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT?!"
-Yeah, apparently that's Tensai's weakness. Of course it would take bland-as-balls Tyson Kidd to discover this. Of all the young talent that could be getting pushed! The fans clearly did not care either, despite his best efforts to get them to grope him by standing on the ring barrier. He doesn't even have the cool haircut going for him anymore.
Last Word: MINUS

CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE CHANTS! WHAT? OH, BROTHER!
-Punk telling Cena to follow his lead was cool but that didn't really play out in the match. I rip on Ring of Honor for lacking psychology in their matches but the truth is, most WWE matches are devoid of it as well. This match could've really done a lot to build toward the pay-per-veiw and a probable confrontation between Cena and Punk but instead, we get Cena going all Ultimate Warrior circa SummerSlam '91, and chasing the evil Chris Jericho all the way back to the dressing room.
-And just when you thought you might make it to the end of the show without her, here comes............AJ! And once again, she completely overshadows the men.
-Just as an aside, why the fuck does SHE get to revive the "Yes!" chant? Vince shits on Bryan for not having the "look" of a WWE Superstar but he's shit on the divas for years! And yet this girl gets five segments...FIVE SEGMENTS?! Trust me, I'm all about AJ. I think she's adorable and her character's great but...five segments??
Last Word: MINUS

So if you've already lost track (I know I have) here's the final score:
PLUSES: 3, MINUSES: 11

So is Raw a GOOD wrestling show? In a word, No, it's not.

Why do I waste time watching it? Honestly? I don't know. I like knowing what's going on first-hand, as oppposed to just reading spoilers and listening to what everyone else is saying, I guess. I still watch the Chargers play football and the Suns play basketball even though they disappoint me regularly.

Don't worry, this blog is not going to become some review site because I know there's already an assload of those but I really wanted to break down an episode of Raw just so I can draw a definite conclusion. It's easy to get caught up in the product as a whole and say it's bad without realizing why. So maybe you got a little perspective out of the deal. I know I did and so, I guess it was worth it.

The last word on this subject is, if you find yourself watching Raw and feel the sudden urge to punch your TV, don't be alarmed. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just watching a bad wrestling show.

I'm out peeps! Until next time......discuss!


[Look for our beloved author as a contributor on his favorite wrestling show The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast and on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez]

"U Can't See Me...Or Deez Nuts!"

[Lazy Author's Note: I haven't got the time to investigate these sources so if you're willing to do the legwork and find out that they're shit, I'll give you props. But until then, I'm just going to go with what I have.]

Ratings for Monday Night Raw lately have been in the high 2's and low 3's despite all their hotshot booking efforts of brining in "surprise guests" or "returning stars." I'm not going to get into why that doesn't work right now but suffice to say, a consistently good product is what gets people talking, builds a fan base, and eventually boosts ratings. NOT booking week-to-week hoping the way WWE currently is hoping for an immediate spike.

Check out this website for some perspective, 2XZONE.COM. If you'll notice, even in 1997, when some of the really cool shit with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Bret Hart, and DX was happening, the ratings weren't much better than they are right now.

In other words, it was a slow build. It took consistently entertaining programming to generate the necessary buzz to get people to turn to the WWF product. So a lot of the people that eventually got on board and bumped their numbers into the 4's and 5's a couple of years later, didn't see a lot of the stuff that those of us who were watching at the time remember with great fondness as landmark shit.

We all know the current WWE product needs to change and that one good show, one big name, one big surprise is not going to rescue them from the ratings outhouse. The creative staff has clearly lost touch with what works and that goes for the writers, the bookers, Triple H and Stephanie, all the way up to Vince McMahon. Waiting for them to strike gold and suddenly start booking compelling television is like waiting for Kamala's amputated leg to grow back. It just isn't going to happen.

The good news is, this is nothing new. This already happened once before. It's well-documented that in the mid-90's when WCW was picking up steam and beating the WWF in the ratings and the product was tanking to the same degree it is now, Vince went to his wrestlers and essentially said, "I'm out of ideas."

Whether or not he has admitted that recently I have no idea. However, when he threw up his hands nearly twenty years ago, the talent stepped up and started changing the product on their own. But it wasn't as if it came out of the blue. All throughout the "Disney years" of the early 90's, wrestlers like Kevin Nash (then Diesel), Shawn Michaels, Vader, Psycho Sid, Goldust, Steve Austin, and Brian Pillman were crossing the line and pushing the envelope long before that became the mantra at Titan Tower.

For most of these men, there was no gurantee that they couldn't be fired. Brian Pillman, who signed in June of 1996, was the first person to receive a guranteed contract with the WWF. None of these men had been annoninted as "The Man" and given the company's blessing to work at the top of the card to the same degree or for the same length of time that John Cena. Yet they took that chance anyway and the only reason I can think of for why they would do that can be summed up in one word....BALLS!

That's what brings me to John Cena and the title of this post. It's painfully (never has that word been more appropriately used) obvious that he is "The Man" in the WWE. He won his first WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21, SEVEN YEARS AGO , and has been at the top of the card ever since despite the boos, despite the hatred, despite the low ratings.

If I'm John Cena, job security is not keeping me up at night. If I'm John Cena, I'm pretty confident that when I lie down at night next to Eve Torres or Stephanie McMahon (or both), I'm going to wake up with a) their mouths on my cock, and b) a job at the top of the card with World Wrestling Entertainment.

The men who revolutionized the business in the 90's, men like Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, Vader, Steve Austin, Goldust, Brian Pillman, etc.), had no such peace of mind. Granted, there were other places one could go back then and apply their trade. However, Impact Wrestling, while incredibly shitty (don't get me started), is pulling ratings nearly equal to Smackdown right now. So for better or worse, they have become a legitimate option for wrestlers today who leave WWE to still maintain national exposure.

But the rest of the roster aside, if ANYONE currently employed by the WWE has the influence and standing within the company to change the direction of the current product, it's John Cena. I don't care if he does it by dropping the PG label once in awhile or by simply abandoning the script and just doing something different that would actually be entertaining, no one is going to fire him. I don't think they would suspend him or even fine him! They are so desperate to keep their current fan base that they can't go one week without panicking when he's not on their show and the ratings are bad.

He's clearly capable of being entertaining. For all the shit he gets about his in-ring ability, he offers more in the ring than Hulk Hogan ever did. And when he's forced to step up his game, like he was recently during his angle with the Rock, he can be compelling.

Remember this guy?



For one night in 2012, he made a comeback.



But when the Rock left, apparently, so did "Doze Nuts."



Only thing I can figure is, he must have been borrowing Dwyane's. Apparently, Rock was telling the truth about Cena and his "lady parts."

The Rock could've come back and fallen in line with the PG program. It's not like he hasn't worked under those kind of restraints before. He was the fucking Tooth Fairy for crying out loud! But he knew that'd fall flatter than tapeworm shit so when he came back he said, "Fuck PG! I have to be THE ROCK!"

Can't Cena tell that what he's doing right now is falling flat? Can he not tell that he's failing miserably at being a professional wrestler? Is he content with the shit that stirring into the big ass bowl of Fruity Pebbles he's serving up every Monday Night? He's boning the boss' daughter (or is it the boss' wife now?) and making a gazillion dollars so he's got a right to be content, I guess. I'd take some real balls to jeopardize all that just for the sake of going down in history with the likes of men like Shawn Micheals and Steve Austin and the others who changed the game.

But I guess it's always taken balls. Guess that's why if things do change, it won't be because of this guy....


Whatever happened to "Deez Nuts?"

That's the last word. Until next time....discuss!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular on the Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. You can also find him on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez ]