SMH! The Lamest Moments in Wrestling History

We've all been there. You're flipping through the channels as a kid and you come across this bizarre spectacle known as professional wrestling. And for some cosmic reason that no one can explain, you find yourself unable to look away. You're officially hooked. Now, the people around you, family, maybe even friends, don't understand your obsession but that doesn't stop you from defending your newfound love at every opportunity.

And then it happens. It's Saturday morning and there you are minding your own business. You've just poured yourself a bowl of Cap'n Crunch and sat down to watch Superstars of Wrestling when something takes place on your tv that causes a momentary disconnect from your soul and the thing you love and you find yourself powerless to resist that all too human of instincts, shaking your head. For not even you, with all your diehard love of pro wrestling can justify what you've just witnessed. And if that weren't bad enough, that's the exact moment your infidel loved ones decide to walk into the room! Now they're shaking their heads too and you're doing everything you can not to make eye contact.

How do I know this story so well? Because I've been there too. So join me as we relive the pain of the Lamest Moments in Wrestling History.

The following moment was what inspired the idea for this post so I feel it fitting we start with...

THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR - HULK HOGAN FEUD

This video features the contract signing to end all contract signings and probably marks the beginning of the end of my first phase of dedicated wrestling fandom.



If you've seen it before or are seeing it for the first time, even a ten year-old would have to admit it's just plain ridiculous. And that's why now that I think about it, the title of this post couldn't be more appropriate because it is virtually impossible to watch this crap and not shake your head in utter disbelief at how tragically bad it is!

Did this contract signing or the promos by Warrior leading up to the big match (which were just as bad. Don't believe me? Watch this video.) kill my enthusiasm for the rivalry? Almost. But the truth is, I didn't need the contract signing, or Warrior's promos to sell me on the idea of the two biggest stars in wrestling at the time, two unbeatable babyfaces, the top two champions, in an epic showdown at wrestling's biggest event of the year. DUH! Of course any wrestling fan's going to want to see that!



I was twelve when this all went down and even though I was old enough to know that wrestling was "fake," I could still get excited about big match-ups like this because they didn't happen all the time. Imagine trying to sell this today? Anyone mind if I ramble a little here?

Take the elements that made Hogan vs. Warrior I such a huge draw and apply them to today's WWE landscape and here's what you get:

Wrestling's two biggest stars: Hogan and Warrior were both members of the regular roster at the time and worked house shows so The Rock and Undertaker would immediately be disqualified. Obviously, one of the participants would have to be John Cena. But who would the other one be? Randy Orton? Ryback? I'm going to say Ryback only because he started to really pick up steam while challenging for CM Punk's WWE Title around the time of Survivor Series and that's usually when the seeds for the main event of WrestleMania are planted. Orton probably gets bigger pops and moves more merch but Ryback has a lot of the intangibles to be a big star.

Two unbeatable babyfaces: This certainly applies to Cena, who hasn't lost clean since what, 2005? No, his loss to The Rock doesn't count. That's simply an anomaly. Like Halley's comet or something. Ryback has yet to be cleanly beaten, unless you count his loss to the Shielld in the six man tag match at Elimination Chamber. At least as a singles competitor, he's not lost fairly.

The top two champions: Here's where the water get a little murky. Back in the day, they would put a belt on a guy because he was over. These days, I'm not exactly sure why they put belts on people. I would say it's because they're over, like in the case of Antonio Cesaro, who's talent cannot be questioned or suppressed. However, since winning the United States Championship, he's lost more than he ever did without it. So it would almost seem like getting over and getting the title has actually hurt him. Whereas, when it came to the Ultimate Warrior, he clearly had a path laid out before him that stretched from his debut all the way to the WWF Championship and the Intercontinental Title was just a stop along the way. There was no stopping of his momentum.

I realize it's a different era, and actually, the secondary singles championships have been so devalued that they would hardly matter in a marquee match-up like this, but it would be nice if Ryback had won the I-C title and successfully defended it until the big showdown between himself and John Cena at WrestleMania.

It seems hard to believe, but when broken down like this, you can see how a big match like this is actually plausible in the current WWE. Nevertheless, that's not what we're getting. At least not this year. Would it be on the same level as Warrior vs. Hogan? Hard to say. It would all depend on the build-up. I would say with all certainty that the promos would be better. I'd even say with absolute confidence that the match itself would be better. Damn, the more I entertain the thought, the more I regret that WWE didn't have the foresight to make John Cena vs. Ryback happen but oh well. I guess they figure, there's always next year, right?

SWEET SAPPHIRE! POLKA DOTS, IF YOU WILL...

When Dusty Rhodes first debuted in the WWF his attire consisted mostly of a tie-dyed shirt and jeans. Fine. He may be grossly out of shape, but he's Dusty Freaking Rhodes. Even as someone who never got to watch him because I was grew up on the wrong side of the country, I knew who he was and even though he was doing some rather silly "Common Man" skits, I could still take him seriously.

But then...



Alright, not the worst wardrobe change. I mean, polka dots are fun, right? As long as "The Dream" gets in there and takes care of business, I can ignore those Power Pellets that he's got all over him.

Until...



The fuck?? Believe it or not, this picture only tells part of the tale. Not only did these two heftys wear matching dots, but they put them suckers in motion! Observe...but be warned, this video is not for the faint of heart.

Incredible as it may seem, because he's Dusty Freaking Rhodes and possessing of otherworldly charisma, the man made this work. That is, until Vince McMahon decided the only way to truly bury "The American Dream" once and for all was to simply, bury him. So he went on a losing streak the likes of which are reserved these days for anyone wearing a championship belt not named Dwayne or Alberto.

There is so much more to say on this subject, and fear not, for I will revisit this topic very, very soon. But seeing as how it is now almost 4am and I'm supposed to report to work in three hours, this is where this post ends. So for now I suggest you take what I've given you and....DISCUSS!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez, The Smartest Man Not In Pro Wrestling is a regular contributor to WrestlingRambles.com. He is also a regular mention on his two favorite wrestling shows, The Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast, and Turnbuckle Throwbacks. Follow him on Twitter, @DansLastWord.]

"U Can't See Me...Or Deez Nuts!"

[Lazy Author's Note: I haven't got the time to investigate these sources so if you're willing to do the legwork and find out that they're shit, I'll give you props. But until then, I'm just going to go with what I have.]

Ratings for Monday Night Raw lately have been in the high 2's and low 3's despite all their hotshot booking efforts of brining in "surprise guests" or "returning stars." I'm not going to get into why that doesn't work right now but suffice to say, a consistently good product is what gets people talking, builds a fan base, and eventually boosts ratings. NOT booking week-to-week hoping the way WWE currently is hoping for an immediate spike.

Check out this website for some perspective, 2XZONE.COM. If you'll notice, even in 1997, when some of the really cool shit with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Bret Hart, and DX was happening, the ratings weren't much better than they are right now.

In other words, it was a slow build. It took consistently entertaining programming to generate the necessary buzz to get people to turn to the WWF product. So a lot of the people that eventually got on board and bumped their numbers into the 4's and 5's a couple of years later, didn't see a lot of the stuff that those of us who were watching at the time remember with great fondness as landmark shit.

We all know the current WWE product needs to change and that one good show, one big name, one big surprise is not going to rescue them from the ratings outhouse. The creative staff has clearly lost touch with what works and that goes for the writers, the bookers, Triple H and Stephanie, all the way up to Vince McMahon. Waiting for them to strike gold and suddenly start booking compelling television is like waiting for Kamala's amputated leg to grow back. It just isn't going to happen.

The good news is, this is nothing new. This already happened once before. It's well-documented that in the mid-90's when WCW was picking up steam and beating the WWF in the ratings and the product was tanking to the same degree it is now, Vince went to his wrestlers and essentially said, "I'm out of ideas."

Whether or not he has admitted that recently I have no idea. However, when he threw up his hands nearly twenty years ago, the talent stepped up and started changing the product on their own. But it wasn't as if it came out of the blue. All throughout the "Disney years" of the early 90's, wrestlers like Kevin Nash (then Diesel), Shawn Michaels, Vader, Psycho Sid, Goldust, Steve Austin, and Brian Pillman were crossing the line and pushing the envelope long before that became the mantra at Titan Tower.

For most of these men, there was no gurantee that they couldn't be fired. Brian Pillman, who signed in June of 1996, was the first person to receive a guranteed contract with the WWF. None of these men had been annoninted as "The Man" and given the company's blessing to work at the top of the card to the same degree or for the same length of time that John Cena. Yet they took that chance anyway and the only reason I can think of for why they would do that can be summed up in one word....BALLS!

That's what brings me to John Cena and the title of this post. It's painfully (never has that word been more appropriately used) obvious that he is "The Man" in the WWE. He won his first WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21, SEVEN YEARS AGO , and has been at the top of the card ever since despite the boos, despite the hatred, despite the low ratings.

If I'm John Cena, job security is not keeping me up at night. If I'm John Cena, I'm pretty confident that when I lie down at night next to Eve Torres or Stephanie McMahon (or both), I'm going to wake up with a) their mouths on my cock, and b) a job at the top of the card with World Wrestling Entertainment.

The men who revolutionized the business in the 90's, men like Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, Vader, Steve Austin, Goldust, Brian Pillman, etc.), had no such peace of mind. Granted, there were other places one could go back then and apply their trade. However, Impact Wrestling, while incredibly shitty (don't get me started), is pulling ratings nearly equal to Smackdown right now. So for better or worse, they have become a legitimate option for wrestlers today who leave WWE to still maintain national exposure.

But the rest of the roster aside, if ANYONE currently employed by the WWE has the influence and standing within the company to change the direction of the current product, it's John Cena. I don't care if he does it by dropping the PG label once in awhile or by simply abandoning the script and just doing something different that would actually be entertaining, no one is going to fire him. I don't think they would suspend him or even fine him! They are so desperate to keep their current fan base that they can't go one week without panicking when he's not on their show and the ratings are bad.

He's clearly capable of being entertaining. For all the shit he gets about his in-ring ability, he offers more in the ring than Hulk Hogan ever did. And when he's forced to step up his game, like he was recently during his angle with the Rock, he can be compelling.

Remember this guy?



For one night in 2012, he made a comeback.



But when the Rock left, apparently, so did "Doze Nuts."



Only thing I can figure is, he must have been borrowing Dwyane's. Apparently, Rock was telling the truth about Cena and his "lady parts."

The Rock could've come back and fallen in line with the PG program. It's not like he hasn't worked under those kind of restraints before. He was the fucking Tooth Fairy for crying out loud! But he knew that'd fall flatter than tapeworm shit so when he came back he said, "Fuck PG! I have to be THE ROCK!"

Can't Cena tell that what he's doing right now is falling flat? Can he not tell that he's failing miserably at being a professional wrestler? Is he content with the shit that stirring into the big ass bowl of Fruity Pebbles he's serving up every Monday Night? He's boning the boss' daughter (or is it the boss' wife now?) and making a gazillion dollars so he's got a right to be content, I guess. I'd take some real balls to jeopardize all that just for the sake of going down in history with the likes of men like Shawn Micheals and Steve Austin and the others who changed the game.

But I guess it's always taken balls. Guess that's why if things do change, it won't be because of this guy....


Whatever happened to "Deez Nuts?"

That's the last word. Until next time....discuss!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular on the Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. You can also find him on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez ]

If Zombies Really Do Eat Brains...

...then the people in charge of TNA have nothing to fear.

"BRAAAII...Hey, what the fuck?"

It's been a busy week so I've been catching up on this past Thursday's Impact Wrestling a little bit at a time on my DVR and I just got to the halfway point...

I honestly could not believe what I was seeing. This is supposed to be an entertainment show, and yet I'm watching three old, fat guys sitting in a room talking about what they liked and what they didn't like about a certain wrestler?? Are you fucking serious?!

So the brain-trust (and I use that term loosley) at TNA got together and said, "Ok, brothers, this is gonna be our first live show so we gotta make sure we do something big! Something that's really gonna WOW 'em! [thinking].....I know! Let's put Bruce, Tazz, and Al in a room and they can talk about Joey Ryan! It should look like something out of an 8AM business meeting at a used car dealership! I've seen those before and, oh my God, brother, they're a real hoot!"

And everyone nodded in agreement.

At no point did anyone raise their hand and suggest that no one on the planet called Earth could give even half a shit about this?

"We don't care."

So because I'm a die-hard fan I pressed on through it, right? I muscled my way past the gag reflex on behalf of the greater good just so I could bring you a detailed report on the show, right?

Fuck to the No!

I turned that shit off faster than if I had just received a text message alerting me to a booty call!

I may be nothing but a simple wrestling fan, but the zombies will be breaking down MY door before they ever even sniff the air at the fucking Impact Zone because not only are the people running that show completely lacking in grey matter, but the dumbasses in the crowd who are actually excited about it couldn't make a member of the Walking Dead's mouth water if they dunked their head in melted butter and shook it under his nose.

The last word for this post is "Fuck TNA!" Now, discuss!

[Don't forget to check out your beloved author on SPINEBUSTER.com and his favorite show, Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast].