"U Can't See Me...Or Deez Nuts!"

[Lazy Author's Note: I haven't got the time to investigate these sources so if you're willing to do the legwork and find out that they're shit, I'll give you props. But until then, I'm just going to go with what I have.]

Ratings for Monday Night Raw lately have been in the high 2's and low 3's despite all their hotshot booking efforts of brining in "surprise guests" or "returning stars." I'm not going to get into why that doesn't work right now but suffice to say, a consistently good product is what gets people talking, builds a fan base, and eventually boosts ratings. NOT booking week-to-week hoping the way WWE currently is hoping for an immediate spike.

Check out this website for some perspective, 2XZONE.COM. If you'll notice, even in 1997, when some of the really cool shit with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Bret Hart, and DX was happening, the ratings weren't much better than they are right now.

In other words, it was a slow build. It took consistently entertaining programming to generate the necessary buzz to get people to turn to the WWF product. So a lot of the people that eventually got on board and bumped their numbers into the 4's and 5's a couple of years later, didn't see a lot of the stuff that those of us who were watching at the time remember with great fondness as landmark shit.

We all know the current WWE product needs to change and that one good show, one big name, one big surprise is not going to rescue them from the ratings outhouse. The creative staff has clearly lost touch with what works and that goes for the writers, the bookers, Triple H and Stephanie, all the way up to Vince McMahon. Waiting for them to strike gold and suddenly start booking compelling television is like waiting for Kamala's amputated leg to grow back. It just isn't going to happen.

The good news is, this is nothing new. This already happened once before. It's well-documented that in the mid-90's when WCW was picking up steam and beating the WWF in the ratings and the product was tanking to the same degree it is now, Vince went to his wrestlers and essentially said, "I'm out of ideas."

Whether or not he has admitted that recently I have no idea. However, when he threw up his hands nearly twenty years ago, the talent stepped up and started changing the product on their own. But it wasn't as if it came out of the blue. All throughout the "Disney years" of the early 90's, wrestlers like Kevin Nash (then Diesel), Shawn Michaels, Vader, Psycho Sid, Goldust, Steve Austin, and Brian Pillman were crossing the line and pushing the envelope long before that became the mantra at Titan Tower.

For most of these men, there was no gurantee that they couldn't be fired. Brian Pillman, who signed in June of 1996, was the first person to receive a guranteed contract with the WWF. None of these men had been annoninted as "The Man" and given the company's blessing to work at the top of the card to the same degree or for the same length of time that John Cena. Yet they took that chance anyway and the only reason I can think of for why they would do that can be summed up in one word....BALLS!

That's what brings me to John Cena and the title of this post. It's painfully (never has that word been more appropriately used) obvious that he is "The Man" in the WWE. He won his first WWE Championship at WrestleMania 21, SEVEN YEARS AGO , and has been at the top of the card ever since despite the boos, despite the hatred, despite the low ratings.

If I'm John Cena, job security is not keeping me up at night. If I'm John Cena, I'm pretty confident that when I lie down at night next to Eve Torres or Stephanie McMahon (or both), I'm going to wake up with a) their mouths on my cock, and b) a job at the top of the card with World Wrestling Entertainment.

The men who revolutionized the business in the 90's, men like Kevin Nash, Shawn Michaels, Vader, Steve Austin, Goldust, Brian Pillman, etc.), had no such peace of mind. Granted, there were other places one could go back then and apply their trade. However, Impact Wrestling, while incredibly shitty (don't get me started), is pulling ratings nearly equal to Smackdown right now. So for better or worse, they have become a legitimate option for wrestlers today who leave WWE to still maintain national exposure.

But the rest of the roster aside, if ANYONE currently employed by the WWE has the influence and standing within the company to change the direction of the current product, it's John Cena. I don't care if he does it by dropping the PG label once in awhile or by simply abandoning the script and just doing something different that would actually be entertaining, no one is going to fire him. I don't think they would suspend him or even fine him! They are so desperate to keep their current fan base that they can't go one week without panicking when he's not on their show and the ratings are bad.

He's clearly capable of being entertaining. For all the shit he gets about his in-ring ability, he offers more in the ring than Hulk Hogan ever did. And when he's forced to step up his game, like he was recently during his angle with the Rock, he can be compelling.

Remember this guy?



For one night in 2012, he made a comeback.



But when the Rock left, apparently, so did "Doze Nuts."



Only thing I can figure is, he must have been borrowing Dwyane's. Apparently, Rock was telling the truth about Cena and his "lady parts."

The Rock could've come back and fallen in line with the PG program. It's not like he hasn't worked under those kind of restraints before. He was the fucking Tooth Fairy for crying out loud! But he knew that'd fall flatter than tapeworm shit so when he came back he said, "Fuck PG! I have to be THE ROCK!"

Can't Cena tell that what he's doing right now is falling flat? Can he not tell that he's failing miserably at being a professional wrestler? Is he content with the shit that stirring into the big ass bowl of Fruity Pebbles he's serving up every Monday Night? He's boning the boss' daughter (or is it the boss' wife now?) and making a gazillion dollars so he's got a right to be content, I guess. I'd take some real balls to jeopardize all that just for the sake of going down in history with the likes of men like Shawn Micheals and Steve Austin and the others who changed the game.

But I guess it's always taken balls. Guess that's why if things do change, it won't be because of this guy....


Whatever happened to "Deez Nuts?"

That's the last word. Until next time....discuss!

["Handsome" Dan Lopez is a regular on the Shining Wizards Wrestling Podcast. You can also find him on SPINEBUSTER.com. Follow him on Twitter @DAntonioLopez ]

Rant of Honor

Watched the most recent Ring of Honor tv show made available by the company on Facebook and I had some thoughts...

First of all, not a damn guy on this show could talk to save their lives with the exception of Lance Storm who cut a very good promo on Mike Bennett, hyping their rematch at the upcoming Ring of Honor ppv "Border Wars." Storm is a vet and has always been a pretty good talker so this doesn't surprise me.

What did surprise me was that he was the only one who pulled off a compelling interview. This is Ring of Honor after all, the company that's run by one of the greatest talkers of all time, Jim Cornette. It's not like these guys have to memorize scripts or anything like that. It's not like they're talking in front of capacity crowds of twenty or thirty thousand people. The actual promos on the show were all backstage, pre-recorded segments where I'm sure if they needed it, the wrestlers were probably offered the luxury of multiple takes.

Even Kevin Steen, who I've heard a lot of good things about and was really looking forward to hearing, failed to wow me. On the one hand, it was the first ROH tv show that I've had both the time and means to sit down and actually watch all the way through. But on the other hand, Kevin Steen was trying to build interest in a landmark event where he will be challenging for the ROH World title. I'm sure die-hard Ring of Honor groupees are going to mark out for the match no matter what. But for someone like myself, who is watching this for the first time, I saw nothing that would make me consider "Border Wars" a ppv that I must see.

I promise this isn't going to be a total burial job so please just stick with me. On to the action...

-THE BRISCOE BROTHERS (ROH Tag Team Champions) vs THE WORLD'S GREATEST TAG TEAM (Charlie Haas & Shelton Benjamin)
I was expecting a lot from this match because I've heard a lot of good things about the Briscoes and I knew Haas & Benjamin were both great athletes. The match DID NOT live up to my expectations.

It was kind of sloppy, there were a lot of moments when it looked like the guys weren't really sure what they wanted to do, and there was no real flow to the match. What I mean by "flow" is, it was like four guys in wrestling gear executing moves. They weren't telling a story through the action. It's a very subtle skill that if you're not used to seeing, may be hard to pick up on, but it's the kind of thing that can make a "boring" portion of a match part of a greater whole resulting in a good match. This was NOT a good match. To put a positive spin on it, anyone can have an off night, and maybe this was theirs.

TJ PERKINS vs FIRE ANT
This was a cross-promotional exhibition between an ROH guy (Perkins) and a CHIKARA guy (Ant). I know the appeal of CHIKARA is the storyline and gimmicks but sooner or later you have to get in the ring. And while some may be fans of the CHIKARA style, if this match was any indication of what they're all about, I am definitely NOT a fan.

SELL A FREAKING MOVE FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!!! Some impressive high spots were totally negated by the fact that they popped right back up after every one of them until they decided it was time to end the match and the loser graciously stayed down so that the winner could hit him with his finish.

Here's the problem, I'm a wrestling fan. I'd love it if other people became wrestling fans too. I wouldn't encourage someone to watch the WWE right now because it's garbage. If you tout your promotion to be what wrestling SHOULD be, and you offer up crap like this, you're not trying to bring in new fans. You're catering to good ol' rasslin fans who will pardon stuff like this as long as they can get drunk and have a good time at your show.

Sorry if I'm being harsh but this match insulted my intelligence more than the notion of "good guys versus bad guys" ever did.

JAY LETHAL (ROH TV Champion) vs RODERICK STRONG
Jay Lethal was the saving grace of this show. If his wrestling style is any indication, you can tell this guy is a fan of old-school wrestling. What I loved most about this match was Lethal's striking. Good striking is a lost art form. His punches, forearms and chops looked stiff and realistic which goes such a long way in legitimizing the product. Stop a person on the street and ask them to demonstrate a professional wrestling punch and they'll probably stomp their foot while they do it. Even some of the greats have done it that way but Lethal is clearly from the school of Ric Flair and Terry Funk where wrestling is a FIGHT and in a FIGHT, the damage you do is more important than how good it looks. (That's PERCEPTION by the way; looking like you're doing damage without actually doing damage. It's an art form and if you don't understand that, I encourage you to stick around for future installments of this blog and get eductated)

By contrast, Jay's opponent, Mr. Strong, looked like he couldn't bust his way out of a brown paper sack with the shots he was throwing. His selling sucked too, kind of like everyone else's on the show so at least there's uniformity within the company, Jay Lethal excluded. Although Strong made up for it all with a sick finisher that popped me as well as the crowd.

Just to sing his praises once again, the pace that Jay Lethal kept was another bright spot. By that I don't mean that he chained a bunch of big moves together in rapid-fire succession. I mean his movements were brisk and clean. He wasn't staggering around or fumbling with his opponent wondering what to do next. It reminded me of Shawn Michaels, who's pacing I always felt was the best in the business. Doing simple things like the drop down, leapfrog, armdrag quickly and decisively is an underrated skill.

As a side note, I enjoyed the peripheral story between Jay Lethal and Tommaso Ciampa. It got me wanting to see that how that storyline progresses.

OK, to wrap this all up, Ring of Honor has got some pluses and minuses just like any other fed. But it's a fed that hypes its wrestling as the selling point. I've seen other Ring of Honor shows that I was more impressed by so I'm not going to write them off completely. I wouldn't tell you as a wrestling fan not to give them a try. You should definitely check them out. Would I say they're going to be the next big thing in wrestling? Not a chance.

I will be watching though, and reporting so if this review didn't sell you on Ring of Honor, stay tuned to this magnifical blog and maybe the next one will.

That's all I got. Discuss!